So I have the major case of the ex-files. What was meant to be strictly a
business turned out to be an interesting encounter. I started a painting for his twin brother about or close to a year ago in honor of his 2 year sobriety but never really had the time and with the breakup, to finish it.
Well turns out that he wanted me to come over and fix it up a bit before shipping it to Seattle by October for the big surprise. Sure, not a problem. He's been very generous to give me his Transit Cheks
® for the last 6 months (
he's in the airline industry and as part of the perks system, the provide him with an $80 visa card strictly for public transportation depending on where he lives or where he travels per month, get's roughly 2-3 every month) and he's been buying my paintings with those which have been a big help with my personal finances due to the fact that I moved into a more expensive apartment in Manhattan after the breakup. Well, this is where it gets juicy; I was over there and he's on the computer and I lean over to see what he's up to, and see a picture saved as his desktop of him holding a straddling man with assless chaps hold exposed and they're making out. Some street fair in Seattle. My heart sank, felt like I was kicked in the stomach and I knew it would get to me. I sat there, I cried. I cried some more after I finally told him why I suddenly got quiet. I actually had no intention,
NO INTENTION talking about anything relationship related but I kind of had to, I wanted this just to be a professional visit, but I couldn't help myself. I felt so bad because I guess I wasn't expecting that. Sure I've had my share of fun since the breakup but there hasn't been an opportunity for me to
flaunt that type of behavior so he can see it. Just doesn't seem right. So, I did what I never thought I'd do. I cut the night short, got my stuff, settled out the money situation and left. Felt like shit half way through my commute back home to Manhattan, but I was listening to Robyn's new Body Talk Pt. 1 and her new single Hang With Me and suddenly I felt my head lift higher, took a deep breath and just smiled and if anybody was looking, good. I wanted to share my smile with someone who might be having a bad night too.
Speaking of Robyn, I'd really like to see her live someday. I heard that's she's here in the U.S. and that excites me. The trick is to find out when I can make the time to go! Believe it or not, well I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this, but music has allowed me to get through a lot of things that I've been scared about. Breakups, job, STD/HIV screen tests, etc. I've always thought that the basis of my creative process is through good weather and good music. I've always found making art therapeutic, but I've also found that cleaning and folding laundry as outlets to stress and sadness as well. Lately, I've been into renovating my new apartment by buying new shelving units, mini blinds, switch plates, etc to help make me feel more like home and not just someone worrying about how I'm going to pay next month's rent. ::sigh:: This summer has got to be the craziest ever, and not in a good way. The only thing that I'm really looking forward to is my friend Logan from SC who's coming to visit for a week and my boss is letting me use some vacation hours for that.
Okay so I take that back about a crazy summer. I've had a nice summer actually, can't complain. I moved in the spring so before the heat and we've had a few wonderful thunderstorms which I absolutely love but I've continued my side job as a dog walker/dog sitter. Ricardo, a new regular at starbucks has come to visit every morning around 7-7:30am with little Henry (the one on the right sleeping) and I've been invited over a couple times for lunch and to help walk Henry.
He's a great dog, so fun and silly. So this is the second dog that I'm walking in between my shift at work and occasionally on my days off. Him and little Titus get along great. This is why I love dogwalking, because it's a way to have a dog, without actually having one. Without these little guys, I don't know what I would do. Probably stay at home on my days off and watch old movies like Holiday, Bringing Up Baby, and The Philadelphia Story. Wait, I already do. I've always had this thing for movies, it's one of my favorite past times because for a couple hours, you can just escape to the world of the film that you're watching. A lot of those movies were passed down from my Grandmother to my Mother, down to me, which I didn't get because of a bitter Step-Father, but good thing I have good memory with the movies I saw growing up, because I just re-bought them so I can enjoy them on my days off!
So after a good cry, which I knew was about to arise seeing Seth or not I just knew I needed one and that it was coming, I finally settled back at home. I got a new coffee pot which I already have preset for tomorrow morning at 4am when I have to get up for work. I already folded my laundry and managed to take down one of the new mini blinds I got for the right window. The a.c. is in that one so I got a shorter set just for that, it's actually too short so I'm going to return it for a longer set. I've made up my mind that I'm going to have leftover spaghetti for dinner, open up an iced cold beer and just put in Practical Magic. Bedtime comes early since I have an early shift tomorrow. I have to return the blinds after work, and get a retest for HIV. (side note, if you get one done with the 20-minute test but leave before it's done, unless you come back within a couple hours, they discard the results and you have to reschedule a retest) That's what happened with me so I have to go again. But good news, I have a movie night with a good friend Ken this Wednesday and since we both have interests in older movies, we've netflixed What's Up Doc? so I'm excited about that.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, I'm going to wake up choosing to make it what I want and I want all these feeling of sadness and anxiety to just go away. I'm better than all of that.
I do feel though that as a visual artist, it's important to connect with the viewers spiritually and mentally, even emotionally because I've had a lot of experience to help channel all those feelings out. I have yet to decide which route to take, but somehow if I'm clever enough will tie all 3 together. But that's the general overview. I'm one who works hard for everything I do, I spend the majority of my life debating and defending my creations. I don't sit at a computer, I don't sit in a cubicle, I don't run errands on behalf of someone above me. I make my own art, make my own fashions, make my own life. I still have a stuffed animal that sits in the corner of my bed. It was a baby shower gift to my mom that was passed down to me that has always been on my bed since I could remember. Summer's a little shady this year around, and not shady in a good way. Been working crazy hours, been brainstorming a lot and almost fell in love. Fell in love with an idea that could potentially turn into something else but I'm tired of those feelings. Actually, I'm quite bored of them. Men. No one seems to understand my aesthetic which means two things. One being that my work, photos, writings are just not for everybody or two, maybe I need a better way of expressing what I've been trying to say all along. As an artist dealing with creative mediums whether it be film, paint, or a series of welded scraps of metal I've always had a provocative theme dealing with sexuality, gender role, and pop culture straddling the fence with religion and who should or shouldn't be viewing my work. I have a texture thing with food. I don't like yogurt, mayo, sour cream, butter. My stepdad used to eat torn pieces of lettuce with smeared mayo as a snack. 
Disgusts me to this day. I watch way too many older films like Bringing up Baby, The Philadelphia Story, What's Up Doc? not because I was raised to watch those over regular t.v. but there's something about life and the lifestyles of people during that time that just doesn't seem to exist now. This entry is all over the place I know this. I wonder, who am I sometimes. I'll admit that the search for personal growth is still deep inside ready to burst out in flames. Full of inspirations, full of life and love and I know that it could still take some time. I walk around sometimes in the city feeling like I have a clear vision of what I do or who I am, but it's a lie. I don't know exactly, I just do the same repetitive routines. Wake up, go to work. Come home, masterbate. Sleep. Wake up, go to school. Go on a date. Come home, sleep. Never cook anymore. Cooking reminds me of my ex who LOVED to cook which is sacrificing my diet but I've learned to adapt to lots of pasta, sandwiches, and eating out. Eating greasy Chinese, pizza, etc. My mother would not be too pleased but I guess it's about time to start thinking of a healthier way of eating. Back to art though, I'm thinking about changing the way I express my art. Maybe art that isn't so much subjective with meaning, but art that has absolutely no meaning. Like sculptural pieces that can be made outside but made out of sticks, leaves, sand, etc so when the heat, snow, rain, wind can really have an effect on the art and it's here one day and gone the next. Beautiful sand pieces that melt away when the tide comes in. All paper pieces that get ignited at the end of the show. That's the beauty of art, and I'm proud to do what I love to do.
