Time.

i normally don't think about it
but it hit me tonight
to eat dinner alone
not a soul in sight
is a bad feeling id like to forget

My Heart Has Sunk, Feels Like I've Been Kicked In the Stomach.

So I have the major case of the ex-files. What was meant to be strictly a business turned out to be an interesting encounter. I started a painting for his twin brother about or close to a year ago in honor of his 2 year sobriety but never really had the time and with the breakup, to finish it. Well turns out that he wanted me to come over and fix it up a bit before shipping it to Seattle by October for the big surprise. Sure, not a problem. He's been very generous to give me his Transit Cheks® for the last 6 months (he's in the airline industry and as part of the perks system, the provide him with an $80 visa card strictly for public transportation depending on where he lives or where he travels per month, get's roughly 2-3 every month) and he's been buying my paintings with those which have been a big help with my personal finances due to the fact that I moved into a more expensive apartment in Manhattan after the breakup. Well, this is where it gets juicy; I was over there and he's on the computer and I lean over to see what he's up to, and see a picture saved as his desktop of him holding a straddling man with assless chaps hold exposed and they're making out. Some street fair in Seattle. My heart sank, felt like I was kicked in the stomach and I knew it would get to me. I sat there, I cried. I cried some more after I finally told him why I suddenly got quiet. I actually had no intention, NO INTENTION talking about anything relationship related but I kind of had to, I wanted this just to be a professional visit, but I couldn't help myself. I felt so bad because I guess I wasn't expecting that. Sure I've had my share of fun since the breakup but there hasn't been an opportunity for me to flaunt that type of behavior so he can see it. Just doesn't seem right. So, I did what I never thought I'd do. I cut the night short, got my stuff, settled out the money situation and left. Felt like shit half way through my commute back home to Manhattan, but I was listening to Robyn's new Body Talk Pt. 1 and her new single Hang With Me and suddenly I felt my head lift higher, took a deep breath and just smiled and if anybody was looking, good. I wanted to share my smile with someone who might be having a bad night too.

Speaking of Robyn, I'd really like to see her live someday. I heard that's she's here in the U.S. and that excites me. The trick is to find out when I can make the time to go! Believe it or not, well I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this, but music has allowed me to get through a lot of things that I've been scared about. Breakups, job, STD/HIV screen tests, etc. I've always thought that the basis of my creative process is through good weather and good music. I've always found making art therapeutic, but I've also found that cleaning and folding laundry as outlets to stress and sadness as well. Lately, I've been into renovating my new apartment by buying new shelving units, mini blinds, switch plates, etc to help make me feel more like home and not just someone worrying about how I'm going to pay next month's rent. ::sigh:: This summer has got to be the craziest ever, and not in a good way. The only thing that I'm really looking forward to is my friend Logan from SC who's coming to visit for a week and my boss is letting me use some vacation hours for that.

Okay so I take that back about a crazy summer. I've had a nice summer actually, can't complain. I moved in the spring so before the heat and we've had a few wonderful thunderstorms which I absolutely love but I've continued my side job as a dog walker/dog sitter. Ricardo, a new regular at starbucks has come to visit every morning around 7-7:30am with little Henry (the one on the right sleeping) and I've been invited over a couple times for lunch and to help walk Henry.
He's a great dog, so fun and silly. So this is the second dog that I'm walking in between my shift at work and occasionally on my days off. Him and little Titus get along great. This is why I love dogwalking, because it's a way to have a dog, without actually having one. Without these little guys, I don't know what I would do. Probably stay at home on my days off and watch old movies like Holiday, Bringing Up Baby, and The Philadelphia Story. Wait, I already do. I've always had this thing for movies, it's one of my favorite past times because for a couple hours, you can just escape to the world of the film that you're watching. A lot of those movies were passed down from my Grandmother to my Mother, down to me, which I didn't get because of a bitter Step-Father, but good thing I have good memory with the movies I saw growing up, because I just re-bought them so I can enjoy them on my days off!

So after a good cry, which I knew was about to arise seeing Seth or not I just knew I needed one and that it was coming, I finally settled back at home. I got a new coffee pot which I already have preset for tomorrow morning at 4am when I have to get up for work. I already folded my laundry and managed to take down one of the new mini blinds I got for the right window. The a.c. is in that one so I got a shorter set just for that, it's actually too short so I'm going to return it for a longer set. I've made up my mind that I'm going to have leftover spaghetti for dinner, open up an iced cold beer and just put in Practical Magic. Bedtime comes early since I have an early shift tomorrow. I have to return the blinds after work, and get a retest for HIV. (side note, if you get one done with the 20-minute test but leave before it's done, unless you come back within a couple hours, they discard the results and you have to reschedule a retest) That's what happened with me so I have to go again. But good news, I have a movie night with a good friend Ken this Wednesday and since we both have interests in older movies, we've netflixed What's Up Doc? so I'm excited about that.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, I'm going to wake up choosing to make it what I want and I want all these feeling of sadness and anxiety to just go away. I'm better than all of that.

Summer = Naked.

I've Been Thinking.

New York's weather is quite wonderful today; it's 88 with a very low humidity level. My ideal kind of weather, especially in summer. I'm listening to a mixture of inspirational music such as Adele, Nat King Cole, Norah Jones, and Billie Holiday, because quite frankly, I'm in such a quiet "me time" kind of mood. I've been working non-stop ever since summer started and that's great because I'm making rent in 2 weeks, but sometimes it's a little overwhelming because my weekend is Wednesday & Thursday. My social life is once again on a hiatus. And for the first time, I'm not too concerned about it.

Last night, I was talking with a recently newfound friend and to my amazement, we have a lot more in common that I thought. It started with questioning each other about religion and politics and what's a current book that each of us is reading. I confessed that I love a good debated about anything that's debatable because life in general is so subjective that it's such a broad topic to discuss almost anything about. But beyond the sentences that were exchanged back and forth, I was finding out more about him that just made me feel comfortable and warm inside. I felt as if we were sitting on an oversized sofa sitting face to face just talking. I just came home from a house-warming party and it was late, but as promised we called each other for a catch up conversation about our days and I just lost track of time. 5 minutes turned to 2 hours and I wasn't a bit concerned about what time it was. Sure, I may have had work at 5am but I wasn't sleepy. I was so intrigued by this once "mysterious" person that now all this information was coming out fluidly like Pandora's Box and there's something amazing about him. I've already mentioned a few times that I'm smitten and of course it's all true! I've never felt like this for a while and I'm still not sure if what I'm feeling is just pure adrenaline or they are sincere; but I do know that I enjoy every second I get even if it's a text chat or and IM chat or something as silly as facebook tagging in our ridiculous, yet entertaining videos.

He's got me inspired to get back into reading. He brought up a good point that some books, mainly series books that are fictional and are novels of something as exotic as Arabic authors has really pushed me to research those books. If he can sit and enjoy reading them, there's a HUGE chance that I could be the same and join him by reading different books but from authors from other countries. I was looking at this book that I found while browsing and I'm curious because what he said was, "you get sucked in to reading this exciting, adventurous books but in the back of your mind you know that there's going to be an end, but you don't want it to end...it's almost like the end of the Harry Potter series". I want that rush. I want that adrenaline when reading a book that all you want to do in any spare second is to read. Read read read. There's something about readers that I find attractive and its not the intellectual aspect of it, but the passion and drive one gets when sitting down to read. It's an art in itself really.

Mmmm in other news, my job (starbucks) now offers free internet and surprisingly that hasn't really made a difference with how busy we've been. I blame the closing down of 98th St and the new subway entrance between 96th and 95th on Broadway that when the flood of people come out from underground, the walk downtown and see our store right there. Sure we are still understaffed and we just had a girl quit on us, but it's okay because we have what the regulars call "A Team" and that fuels us to work harder. But we're all hard workers, Sarah, my boss really has us in good shape and I can see why she's picky when hiring people to join our team. Even if it's just starbucks. Today we had a playlist from the 70's that stabucks chooses via satellite and we had this woman (who doesn't ever give us her real name but her dog's name "Daisy") and she got surprised by the song that was playing and it took her to a good memory and she started to get watery eyes. It was cute because she said this was "way before our time" but I just found it so endearing. Very much like how my friend was talking to me and it was so involved and focused but still managed to carry a deep sigh which was a sign of realness and that he may not have the right words or how to explain but boy does this guy have a smart and fascinating heart and mind. I'm impressed. (side note: Nat King Cole's Unforgettable is such a beautiful ballad and ugh I just enjoy it)

I'm thinking, I want to go here for vacation. Sometime soon I hope, maybe August. Right before school starts in late August. Don't laugh but it's Charleston, North Carolina! I was looking at images on google and I'm impressed! It's like a jazzy bluesy Southern feel and I love it! Being from Dallas I love the South, but this is a more beautiful place that I would love to visit! Even if it's for a week! LOL I'm not sure though, I have a few places in mind. Florida to see the everglades and ride the boats, surf in Southern California, camp and hike in Oregon or even go back home to Dallas to visit Lauren! But she's in Ireland so it's not happening that I'm going to Texas LOL.

Man, life is good right now. I can't complain. I can't complain. ♥