Something I'd Like To Remember.

I get hot.
I get red in the face. Have you ever had that feeling?
When you get so anxious, so overcome with anxiety, anger, jealousy or even joy where you feel your blood pressure literally rising. You feel your cheeks tingle with heat and your ears start to ring. Your heart seems to pump so loudly and with such force that with every beat your body trembles.

I get this feeling a lot.
It can happen when I think Matt and our relationship, it can happen when I'm reading a really good book, it can happen when I'm really embarassed or when I'm reprimanded unfairly. It happens whenever I fly and the plane takes off, or during turbulence. It happens whenever I feel someone staring at me or I think someone is looking at me and thinking, "What a loser." It happens when I speak up and refuse to back down.
It can even happen to me when I'm simply sitting in quiet.

I know. Why do you care what anyone thinks?
Let's just be honest. We all care what everyone thinks of us, no matter how much it pains us to admit it.
It's almost tortorous to for me to admit.
I lie.
It is torture. Mostly because I pride myself on being, or pretending to be, tough...flighty...as if nothing you, or you, or you could ever hurt me. and if it does you would never know it.
Let's just come clean here and say that I care a little too much what some people think of me.

People who crave attention don't always get it. People who crave it and nurture that craving?
They get it.

I don't have the energy to nurture that craving, and is that why I am where I am?
Am I simply in a desperate quest for unfaltering and almost idolistic attention?

Yea.
We're all there.

Maybe this is why I never faired well in relationships and to be honest some friendships. I always tell myself, "I have such an eclectic group of friends. How awesome."
But the truth is I am friends with amazing people that are like me in a lot of ways but more importantly NOTHING like me.
I am comforted by being an outsider.
I am comforted by being different.
and if I am just "some guy", or "normal" to you... well let's just say it isn't pretty.

I share a birthday with James Dean. A friend of mine once read me a quote a friend had said about him that rang so true in my ear.. and while I can't remember the quote verbatim it was something to effect of him saying James was the kind of person who wanted to be known by everyone. He wanted to be famous, yet he wanted to be invisible.

...hm.

Thanks friend.

I'm floating around right now. Waiting, and looking for that something that will make me feel what I'm needing to feel. and when I find it, everyone will know it.
I'll make sure of it.

So what are your vices?
Think about it.
What are you not ready to admit about yourself?

go ahead, you'll probably like yourself a lot more. and I'll probably like you a little more too.

...
KIDDING.
geez.

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