Stories Pt. I

So I'm on the phone with a friend and he tells me that he has something to confess to me. Pretending to not be alarmed, I secretly have this gut feeling that it's something about me or towards me and that I'm looking at this from all angles. He tells me that this whole time, his hair has been fake. That he wears a toupe and that he wanted to tell me asap. So for the longest time, I'm sitting here, jaw wide open trying not to laugh because that's pretty dang funny. Took me a while to figure out that he's a pretty good liar, actor, whatever and that he's just pulling my leg. Crazy, I'm trying to be less gullible as I usually am, but ::shakes fist in air:: I gave in. LOL

::deep sigh:: My trip to Dallas is coming to an end and I'm actually excited. If you've been keeping tabs to my previous notes, you would know that by now I should be curled up somewhere going insane about not being in school. I think that FIT has the longest break and should shorten it up a bit. It's too long. But maybe I'm just impatient, because I'm going through this phase where I want to be greedy and do all things dealing with fashion. Sitting in fine arts, I find myself thinking, "OH! I'm good with my graphic sense, maybe I should see what fashion illustration is like" and then that branches off to "well if I can do that, I want to design my dream gown: silk-chiffon with tulle and what not with a killer heel". We all know that if I'm going to have killer heels it makes me want to go to accessories because I've been to NoHo plenty of times to the one and only shoe store because it's any gay man's dream. Think about it, you can make any heel, any size and any fabric to make it. So I'm going a little insane with this 50 degree weather knowing that New York is in a deep freeze and I just want to be in that ice city going to school dreaming about whatever all in my fine arts class.

UGH.

Mmm, this reminds me of why I think I love fashion so much. Ohh this is rich, I have a story for you. Okay so growing up I tried to lead the "boyish" life that most only child-absent father tries to live. I had my old school nintendo and upgraded to a sega and even though my mom was anti-secular "anything" she bent backwards all in the name of boyhood. I even tried soccer and let me tell you, I never kicked a ball once. Soccer slowly, no, quickly to gymnastics and let me tell you, between learning piano and a little spanish, I was flipping and cartwheeling and being gay as any 6-7 year old can be. So, one day I was sitting in my room of our "enormous" two-story apartment in downtown Dallas (which I thought was big because I've always been little, so at age 6 - it was a castle) and I was trying to fix this old transmitter that was under my bed pretending that I heard E.T. say my name or that some lost pilot was S.O.S(ing) and that's when the damage hit. My mom's closet was open and there they were, here 4 1/2" heels were screaming my name and I was instantly hooked. So set aside that I was 6 and a gymnist, I'm now twirling around in my moms closet in a pair of heels. Next, I grabbed this skirt and tied it with a belt or shoelace or something at my chest and even tied there, it was a full-length gown on me. Remember, I've always been little. So after being caught twice, I learned that I this is what I should NOT be doing. I just started twirling in my closet. Wow, if no one in my family knew I was gay then..there were plenty of sign in the years to come. Helloo, the sharpied "naughty parts" on all my step-sisters ken dolls..but that's another story for another time..

So I guess all this storytime started with that confession over the phone over a toupe. :)

Wow, I am so gay.

Trying To Distract Myself From The Man.

Trying to distract myself from the man who is probably the reincarnation of the devil himself.

Thanks to him, my mother's items are going to be auctioned off in the matter of days - unless I come up with $170. Now you can call that stress. No more trying to study the day of, no more running for the train that specifically comes at 4:44am and it's now 4:50a. This is stress. We all know that I'm not anywhere near NY and that I can't just negotiate with the man I used to love - He really screwed me over. People wonder why I "tense my eyebrows" and that's probably why I'll always have those 3 creases on my forehead. My stress level is out the roof. The only thing keeping me from going insane is the fact that I write. I'm open about most things which is now that I realize, a wonderful trait to carry. I'm not afraid to hold back how I really feel or embrace the feelings or thoughts that come to my mind. But really, I've learned my lesson with fighting with words. It always comes back 10x worse, and hits me harder because he's an excellent writer. I could write a pamphlet and he'll send a novel.

I'm sorry. This is my mother's stuff. How are are you going to NOW tell me that you've been 2 months behind on storage "rent". How are you going to tell me that NOW knowing that I won't return to the city 'til the 25th. That it's my problem now how to figure out how to salvage the last of my stuff from Dallas, the last of my mom's stuff, the last of ME in the matter of days. And for you to be sitting in your new apartment with all MY furnishings knowing that what you did...you know I can't take back any of that furniture, you thought I'd have a better life in the dorms. And refusing to pay me for anything you took...sure why not throw in paying the storage. Fuck the ex-boyfriend. Fuck his deceased mom's things that are on the other side of the island. Fuck Matt.

I just want to know, am I that kind of person that deserves this kind of behavior. Is this God's or someone in the stars' revenge for all the things I've done? Is it that easy to be cruel. Either that, or it just comes natural. I'm not sure.

Just know that the mother you refuse to call back or show affection to, I'm the one sitting with her over coffee and lunch - talking, laughing and hoping (praying) that maybe someday. She's like the mom I never had. Well at least she still loves you.

Never again.

I will say that even though I have every right to be upset and outraged, I'm not going to be. I remember saying around this time last year, that it's all about 2007. It's going to be an amazing year and even though it turned out to be worst year of my life, I'm not going to let this guy ruin 2008 for me. This is not foreshadowing my year, nor will I let it. If he wants my furniture and dishes and pots/pans and bed and anything that is mine...let him keep it. It will be a forever reminder of who he was with and who loved him with every bone in his body. Let him feel surrounded by things of someone he will never see again. And that my friends, is what 2008 is alllll about. It's all about growing up, moving on and finding out who YOU are. So all I can say is you screwwwwed me Will Truman!! lol

:P

...make it funny

Something Random.

How amazing is Golden Girls.

I know I know, laugh it up but I bet you that if you were to sit down after a long day of work you'll probably get hooked. And no, not because your brain is already dead but because it's a "feel-good" show. It's so outdated and the furniture and music is so tastefully tacky, that's a few of the reasons why I get hooked. How ridiculous Dorothy's clothes are or how they can get away with so many dirty inside jokes when it comes to Blanche. I think it's amazing because they seriously talk about every topic, every issue known to the average guy/girl and I think it's great because anyone (especially in the gay community) could probably relate themselves to Blanche yet alone quote every line she says haha. Well I think I could go on and on with why I love the show but that's not why I'm writing.

I think it's funny how we don't give strangers enough credit for actually being nice. Tonight at dinner this guy was making eye contact with me for the longest time, so when we finally exchanged words we ended up talking about how cold it was and how I was from Dallas and it never gets this cold in TX. He and I talked about what we were eating and how healthier, yet appetizing the food was and that led us to New Year's resolutions. I told him I wanted to go Organic or something similar and that I was tired of being unhealthy. That I guess I jumped in a resolution that all of New York (or anywhere in the U.S.) has mentally said they want to do for 2008. After making a cute, "I don't think you have a problem" (while eating carbs) it was nice to know that I was making small talk with a total stranger yet not having any sign of awkwardness. He told me that his resolution was to write in his journal more. We both joked around about how we hate handwriting in journals and how it's all about computers now and that's true. I've transferred all my journals from my childhood to present to blogger. I've combined everything I have to one journal so I can keep track of my memories. It's nice to have everything organized. Maybe though, I'm so tempted to print everything from 1998 to now because I want to close this chapter of my life. 3-ring this shit and just not worry about it. We'll see. He was just nice and maybe it was just another innocent flirting encounter, but I enjoyed myself talking to someone I didn't know.

I think the shy Mathew is no longer shy shy. I've opened up so much that sometimes I get caught up in forgetting that I once was so introverted, but now I applaud the person I have become.

p.s. who knew that the L Train has all the cuties...who knew