Realization.

So I got into FIT.
What an amazing journey it was too. I started from scratch and now I have 2 years ahead of me. I couldn't have done it without my friends. I've been spending more and more time in that area and meeting people at the school. ONE THING: Everyone there is so friendly and outgoing that it was easy to meet people. I love it. I met a couple guys who introduced me to their friends and all I can say right now, is that I love the feeling of knowing more people.

I think I was scared of the whole breakup because I was dependent on David to fill me completely. Now that I've realized that I don't need him, I love it. I went to Hell's Kitchen last weekend, met people..drank, danced, and did the whole thing and I still love David, but the more he and I spend time together, I'm seeing that we're actually drifting farther and farther apart. SO I've come to realize that I am on my own. In NEW YORK FUCKING CITY.

I LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT TOO.

So I was up in Queens last night. Again this weekend.
I'm a trooper, my sense of direction is getting better and better. Either that, or it's just getting easier and easier to get around.

Now I'm in the bath, feeling a little sex and city like and typing in the laptop watching some old school spice girl concert/behind-the-scene stuff.

2007! I said this year would be all about me, and so far...it's proven to be that and beyond. It's only March 18...it gets better from here. THANK YOU!

...and to you too..

Not A Fan.

Of you write I write blah blah blah.









But because you don't talk to me, I wanted to say "you're right".









FUCK.

1:35A.

I have this tug pulling at my heart that it's officially over.
I know it's probably been over since the 22nd, but not so much.

NOW I feel it's the time.
I'm ready to move on.

I don't know if it's fear or a sign of relief.
Either way, life has to go on.

Thank you.
Thank you for almost 2 years to jump start my life.

Sleep tight.
x

I Shouldn't.

Tell you this either, but I was thinking about you all day too.

Looks.

like we both lost it.




again.




not with each other.





and probably not for a while either.




we both like who we've got.




correct me if i'm wrong.

4:25A.

Why do I care where he goes?

It's because I secretly still love him and wish to still be together.

I can wish all I want.

At least we have a "play date" today.

I still love him.

a lot.

Wow.

5:15a shift at starbucks.

Holla.

x

Freedom Ring!

The mohawk is back.

I feel more like myself again.

I have wonderful new friends.

They know how to take care of me. :)

Music to booty-bounce to is a HUGE +.

I'm starting to feel feelings for him again.

Should I?

IDK.

x

Now go eat a pb&b!

One.

Week from today, I will be at a portfolio review at FIT for 4 hours.

Now is the time.

It's either now or never.

God, I need this to work out.

I need to get out of 148th.

x

Ugh.

Even though I may not be ready, now is the time to "experience" with other people.
Like he said, "no matter who I meet - and no matter who you meet, no one can repleace what we had".

That was the green light to "OK" seeing new people.
I guess now we both don't have to feel guilty kissing the other him.

Almost one month now.
And it feels like it's been an eternity.

I lost the weight.
I got the job.
I got the school ready.

The real new year's resolution is to actually let go physically and emotionally.
That's the real resolution.

The mental breakdown.
STOP TOUCHING HIM!

Get This Off My Chest.

What a twisted and confusing situation I'm in right now.
The confessions of sadness everytime you see me..
The texts to start my day and the notes on the mirror..

I can see right through all that.
Are you trying to have your cake and eat it too?

Today, I checked my myspace, e-mail, etc...
And let's just say I was right about him.
And I was right about you...

So I'm going to get this off my chest.
Go for him, go on dates, do it...it will feel better.
You have your new boys, and I have mine.

You're obviously doing just fine right now.
I'm sorry that I'm so horny..but trust me, I'll find a different outlet for that.
That may be causing you stress as well so it will stop.

I'm just so tired.
Tired of everything and I don't want to feel these feelings for you anymore.

Last night, watching lost, Penny's speech to desmond is exactly how I felt for the past 3 weeks and I could sort of relate to her. Her situation. I knew that you were watching it too, so it made me feel better knowing that we were watching the same thing.

So almost a full month, and I think I'm ready to move on.
Start new things, see new people, and above all - start my new life.

Like I said, this year is about me.
My job, my new handful of friends, school and YOU...who makes my day oh so much better.

Thank you.

This is Matthew Ryan Chavez: Signing off.