..::..
I'm back with a vengeance and
I've conquered all things that I thought I would never get over.
the truth is...
1 day will turn to 1 month and then 6 months and then we'll see..
Thanks to 4 days overseas..good times with good friends.
Hi. You've reached hell and
You're I'm going to keep on going.
That's all I can do right now, really.
It's good to see you though and
To hear your voice and see you smile.
The snow topped if off last night.
Well, that annnd...
..::..
"Every time he calls I call, but it's time I think about me"
That's righhhht!
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
RAW.
Phew.
This is the WORSE week ever!
Let me just catch you up with everything that has happened since Sunday, January 14th. He lied to me. I knew something was up from the start, because he got so defensive right away as soon as I questioned him where he was going after work. I knew he mentioned a few days earlier, that a couple of his co-workers were throwing a going away party for this stylist who was leaving for the UK and they were all going to get drinks or something. Well he called and said that he's not coming home right away, that he's going to the coffee shop on the corner by work with this co-worker girl ____. Well, after a while, he just got so defensive and said he's only getting one cup, because he has $5 and then he'll come home. So after 20 minutes of him arguing with me on the phone about how he needs space, he feels married to me, and that he hates feeling so guilty for going out, because he knows I'm sitting at home waiting for him...he didn't return my calls/texts for the whole night. I was so worried for him because I thought he fell asleep on the train and missed our stop. Turns out, he didn't even notice that his phone was ringing.
SO after 5 hours of not talking to me, he calls to tell me that he's sorry for everthing and no matter what happens to us in the future he wanted me to know that everything I've done for him, he's so thankful for. That I'm and inspiration to him and that I influence him with anything and/or everything in his life. He said he likes to take walks, and he went on one and he was at 23rd st. His work is on 57th. So he in fact didn't go to the coffee shop on the corner by work. He comes home, and we argue ALL night. Literally. I wanted to know the truth. How could he yell at me and talk down to me so much for over 20 mintues about how I chain him down and how much I make him feel so "weird" inside and then call me 5 hours later, after I'm all worried out, and tell me all these "wonderful things"? So we get organized and all of a sudden, I just had this urge to want to be passionate with him. So I try to make out with him, and I eventually go down on him, but as I work my way back to kiss him, that's when I noticed that he reeked of booze. So that led me to ask questions, and he got defensive right away. So I got him to admit that he had drinks and not coffee. He said he had 2. Only two. And boy did he hate telling me the truth. I could see it in his eyes. All this sickens him. So he went to bed and so did I.
The next morning, I checked his phone and I was right. I had that gut feeling, or the infamous "6th sense" feeling that you know is up, when something is wrong. Sure enough, I found this (516) number and coincidently the sent box was fully erased (which he said was an option on his phone, we have the same phone and yes, it deletes after 30 days) but the inbox was still filled with consecutive texts from (516). I found out through ONE text left in his sent, saying "sweet dreams mike, I had fun" blah blah and I knew it was Mike from his myspace (*Mikey Loves It*). All the texts sent from him were, "I don't want to be the typical guy, but I'm just going to go out on a limb, I had really fun drinking with you tonight". Through all the texts, they met up at 8..went to maybe more than one bar and then got trashed 5 1/2 hours later. Funny because David only had $5. So I woke him and confronted him. He got a little sad a first, but I was quickly distracted from it because my job called to set up an interview. After like 10 minutes of awkwardness, I asked him to explain himself and HE GOT SO ANGRY! So either he's mad that he got caught, or he's mad that I was asking him to explain himself. Clearly there's some issues that need to be addressed and he's not being honest with me.
(back story, when I first noticed that Mike was a friend on myspace, he said it was a random add. When we were arguing that he was the one who he went out on a date, he finally told me that he was an ex-myspace friend and they've met in person already. Just friends though. Bull shit.)
So yeah...After me crying my eyes out beause I feel like he's already cheated on me, we agreed that he would have to leave and go stay with our friend Jimmy to see if this is what he really wants. He said he'd take a day or two away from me to see and to think before he reacts to my finding out he lied, and to see if maybe we're just not compatable. He called me middle of the week to tell me that he's going to stay for a week. So this coming up Monday, the 22nd he should be back home. This is so hard for me. SO hard. I already thought about everything and what our future might hold...and quite frankly I feel like it might work. But it might NOT either and I think I focus on that too much. Could I forgive David? Should I? I know that he's so afraid that I would cheat on him and that I would let him down..but think about it..I just annoy him so much, that it drove him to lie to me and let me down. Sure him and Mike didn't fuck, but they could've kissed. Just like tonight, we talked on the phone and I asked him where we stood in our relationship, and that we're on this break..could we see other people and cope with this in our own way. He said, "Do whatever you feel you need to do" so when I asked him what he was doing..he said, "I'm not going to tell you what I'm doing". He's making out. I'm not that stupid. He's doing stuff as a "single person" should and he's trying to figure out if I'm really the right one and if we're compatable and if he can live without me. I feel he's doing a great job forgetting about me. OH wait, he's staying with a friend that he could always talk to through all of this, hug, cry on a shoulder, vent...and our roommate Dre, is spending equal time over there. I have NO ONE. Just the dog. It's unfair but you know what? It's making me stronger. The fact that I have to do all this alone. Sure David's my first, but I know what I feel for him and I'm still going to stick to my guns...I'm putting my foot down and just holding out until Monday. It's so hard though, because tonight I begged him to just come home this one night because I'm sick with the fever and I'm having my first HUGE anxiety attack. NOPE. He said he can't, and that he has to do this. Stay with Jimmy for a week and he'll see me maybe tomorrow...if not...definitely Monday. Fuck that.
UGH! There has been so many times, that I wanted to call up this person or message this person to do something to take my mind off David, but I feel like if I ever did that, I'd have so much regret because I still have these feelings for David. I would do it if I was second guessing our relationship and I had to do it to see if David was the one, but I just can't do it. I don't have the guts. And I hate that I'm doing this though. Sitting here crying, confused about David and confused about our future. It's killing me not knowing what the future holds. It's killing me knowing that there's a possibility that he's making out with other guys and getting numbers and partying. Could he be staying a week as an excuse to party with no questions asked from me? Probably. Could he be doing this because he genuinally feels like the space is required because if not, he'll break up and then have to deal with the fact that he still loves me and wanted to make it work? Maybe. Could I just be over-analyzing this? YES. I need to make new friends. ASAP.
This new job at Starbucks is killing me! Mainly because I had my 2nd interview and I met more important people (Hiring managers, and store managers) and I had the one on one questionaires...they told me that everything looks good, and they'd call first thing Monday morning. I want to get hired so bad so I can be on my way to making new friends that I could hang out with so if David wants to spend another week apart, I'd have someone/somewhere to go. I'm so angry that it's come down to this. This is all so crazy. Sure, it's all legitimet things that couples argue about and myspace and cell phones have probably broken up so many relationships, but I just want to be completely honest in this relationship. I want him to know that too. SO:
David.
If you were here, I'd tell you look..
If you still love me, and I still love you, there are PLENTY of things that we could both change to help reconstruct this relationship. We need to talk to each other more. We need to be honest. We need to compomise.
We can't go backwards in this relationship, and since we live together, we have to almost work twice as hard to make sure we understand each other. We can make this work.
I think if there's anything we haven't told each other, if there's things still lingering over us..let's put it the table. Let's tell each other what each others' pet peeves are..let's see if maybe we can fix them!
HELL...let's make a list: Write MATT and DAVID and just write the things that need to be improved. And as time goes, let's see if they change. If 3 months, or 6 months from now, we are still fighting about those issues, let's get out the lists, and see if we changed on some. We'll sign the lists and make sure we help each other. So see...it all goes back to compromising. It's not that hard.
I know that you hate drama. I know when I cry, you used to feel bad, but now it just gets annoying. I know this. I can tell. And you don't really have to tell me anymore. I'm terribly sorry that it's taken me 4+ months for me to change (so you say) but you just have to trust me that everything will be fine. Things will change and once I start this job, and start school - you'll see. Is it too late for you to see that? Maybe. Do I want you to just try? Most definitely. We make each other so happy so it's just now we're being silly. At least I know I am. I'm the one that feels I need to call/text you at least once or twice to see how you are BUT I feel like maybe you could be handling all this differently as well. You know...you know....YOU KNOW....I'm at home crying and not handling this well, but you don't call me...you don't text me, "how are you feeling today..feeling better?" NOTHING. So I'm just saying you have it all. That's what I meant about the whole you all (Jim, Dre and you) are in the know, because you've been with them 24/7 since you left on Tuesday. I'm still here alone..just calling the usual friends or at least the ones that would pick up. I'm alone. I'm scared. and I know I have to go through this...I just didn't think I'd do it alone. So that's what I mean by maybe you could be handling this better. All the signs are just showing that you need to thing about yourself, and that's fine..kumbya..but if you love me..TRULY love me, you'd think about me and my feelings too. RIGHT? I've been taking care of myself and asking myself what do I want? What do I need? And trust me, I'm doing a good job doing what I have/need to do make sure I'm doing fine with this whole situation. I'm just led to believe by the words of others..ahem..that you're happy alone..away from me and yes, you miss me and you love me...but you're so ready to live on without me.
If so..I'm going to dread that day..hopefully not Monday when we talk about the future and if you think we can or cannot stay together. I just wish you knew how much I really love you. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. Everywhere I go in NY, things pop up that remind me of you and maybe that's just it. You said once in a journal post that you're past is slowing lingering over you like nicotine to a smokers lips. Maybe you now living in NY again...you wanted a bf at the time in 05, but you're reuniting with old flings, friends, one night stands, etc and you just want to be free again. You're happy with your job and school but maybe it's just time for you just do your own thing. I just hate the fact that you'd pull me this far and now show it. If you knew in the back of your mind that this would happen...you should've listened to that "second-guessing" thought before we lived together, let alone move to NY together.
I'm scard as fuck..hell..and anything in between.
I don't know what our future holds and yes, I don't like it and this week has been the most uncomfortable thing ever, but I'm going to be fine. Thanks for pushing me away to realize that I don't need anyone to make me happy. I make myself happy. I could live on without you. I could have these exact same feelings with someone else..I know that. I also know the calling in my heart. Whether it's God or something higher, I just know. And what hurts me the most is that you don't feel the same way. And I know, I've said this before, I can't change how you or anyone thinks about all this..but I just hope that maybe you think about us as much as you can while you're away from me. Think about do I really make you unhappy, happy..Are you thankful and feel blessed? Do you have it good and just don't know it? Do I treat you goo and do I really respect you as a person? Am I really a bad person? Think about all those things about me and see if you're right. I don't feel like I've influenced you more than you to me, I feel like we're equally responsible for the changes that are occuring right now...and I just want you to know...I love you beyond love. I looked and searched and questioned, and second-guessed...you name it, I've done it. It kills me that I'm ready to talk and you're not. It kills me that I'm sitting hoping that when you say, "I think I might come Saturday night or Sunday" that you're really going to do it.
I love you David.
I love you so much. and I just want you to know that I respect you highly. I'm not putting you on a pedistool anymore. I think you're great and I'd do anything to make you happy...but if you really want a week, or more, if that makes you happy - I'm happy. I'm sorry that it's so hard for me to accept that, and yes I don't agree with it 100%, but just give me time. Give yourself time, and it'll be fine in the end. I'm just so tired of lying to you, being passive aggressive to you...vice versa...I'm tired David.
I want to put everything and all on the table.
I want to strip it down to the raw and just cry, yell, laugh, blush, and anything one could feel when evaluating issues like the ones we're dealing with.
I look forward to seeing you either tomorrow, if not, you said you're coming home Monday. Hopefully you come home early Monday because I want to watch Heroes with you hellllllo!!!! lol It starts back up remember!?! So yeah, Have fun at work tomorrow and don't work too hard. And like I said, I'm happy and proud of you that you found something that you actually enjoy doing and it makes me happy to see you happy...and I respect you all the way now. I guess I just had to cry and let all these other thoughts and feelings out. Sucks that I couldn't talk to anyone unlike you who has a billion friends to help take your mind off all this...I have nikita... so yeah...I'll be fine. So. Sleep well and take your time.
lasdkjgalksdgjaldsgf;
Okay so now that's off my mind. I feel a lot better. I'm undecided if I want to put this in my lj or post in a blog or send it do David..I don't know. Maybe I'll post it later. I'm not sure. Phew...
I miss you Mommy.
Thanks for helping through this when no one was here to help.
-Matthew Ryan Pence
This is the WORSE week ever!
Let me just catch you up with everything that has happened since Sunday, January 14th. He lied to me. I knew something was up from the start, because he got so defensive right away as soon as I questioned him where he was going after work. I knew he mentioned a few days earlier, that a couple of his co-workers were throwing a going away party for this stylist who was leaving for the UK and they were all going to get drinks or something. Well he called and said that he's not coming home right away, that he's going to the coffee shop on the corner by work with this co-worker girl ____. Well, after a while, he just got so defensive and said he's only getting one cup, because he has $5 and then he'll come home. So after 20 minutes of him arguing with me on the phone about how he needs space, he feels married to me, and that he hates feeling so guilty for going out, because he knows I'm sitting at home waiting for him...he didn't return my calls/texts for the whole night. I was so worried for him because I thought he fell asleep on the train and missed our stop. Turns out, he didn't even notice that his phone was ringing.
SO after 5 hours of not talking to me, he calls to tell me that he's sorry for everthing and no matter what happens to us in the future he wanted me to know that everything I've done for him, he's so thankful for. That I'm and inspiration to him and that I influence him with anything and/or everything in his life. He said he likes to take walks, and he went on one and he was at 23rd st. His work is on 57th. So he in fact didn't go to the coffee shop on the corner by work. He comes home, and we argue ALL night. Literally. I wanted to know the truth. How could he yell at me and talk down to me so much for over 20 mintues about how I chain him down and how much I make him feel so "weird" inside and then call me 5 hours later, after I'm all worried out, and tell me all these "wonderful things"? So we get organized and all of a sudden, I just had this urge to want to be passionate with him. So I try to make out with him, and I eventually go down on him, but as I work my way back to kiss him, that's when I noticed that he reeked of booze. So that led me to ask questions, and he got defensive right away. So I got him to admit that he had drinks and not coffee. He said he had 2. Only two. And boy did he hate telling me the truth. I could see it in his eyes. All this sickens him. So he went to bed and so did I.
The next morning, I checked his phone and I was right. I had that gut feeling, or the infamous "6th sense" feeling that you know is up, when something is wrong. Sure enough, I found this (516) number and coincidently the sent box was fully erased (which he said was an option on his phone, we have the same phone and yes, it deletes after 30 days) but the inbox was still filled with consecutive texts from (516). I found out through ONE text left in his sent, saying "sweet dreams mike, I had fun" blah blah and I knew it was Mike from his myspace (*Mikey Loves It*). All the texts sent from him were, "I don't want to be the typical guy, but I'm just going to go out on a limb, I had really fun drinking with you tonight". Through all the texts, they met up at 8..went to maybe more than one bar and then got trashed 5 1/2 hours later. Funny because David only had $5. So I woke him and confronted him. He got a little sad a first, but I was quickly distracted from it because my job called to set up an interview. After like 10 minutes of awkwardness, I asked him to explain himself and HE GOT SO ANGRY! So either he's mad that he got caught, or he's mad that I was asking him to explain himself. Clearly there's some issues that need to be addressed and he's not being honest with me.
(back story, when I first noticed that Mike was a friend on myspace, he said it was a random add. When we were arguing that he was the one who he went out on a date, he finally told me that he was an ex-myspace friend and they've met in person already. Just friends though. Bull shit.)
So yeah...After me crying my eyes out beause I feel like he's already cheated on me, we agreed that he would have to leave and go stay with our friend Jimmy to see if this is what he really wants. He said he'd take a day or two away from me to see and to think before he reacts to my finding out he lied, and to see if maybe we're just not compatable. He called me middle of the week to tell me that he's going to stay for a week. So this coming up Monday, the 22nd he should be back home. This is so hard for me. SO hard. I already thought about everything and what our future might hold...and quite frankly I feel like it might work. But it might NOT either and I think I focus on that too much. Could I forgive David? Should I? I know that he's so afraid that I would cheat on him and that I would let him down..but think about it..I just annoy him so much, that it drove him to lie to me and let me down. Sure him and Mike didn't fuck, but they could've kissed. Just like tonight, we talked on the phone and I asked him where we stood in our relationship, and that we're on this break..could we see other people and cope with this in our own way. He said, "Do whatever you feel you need to do" so when I asked him what he was doing..he said, "I'm not going to tell you what I'm doing". He's making out. I'm not that stupid. He's doing stuff as a "single person" should and he's trying to figure out if I'm really the right one and if we're compatable and if he can live without me. I feel he's doing a great job forgetting about me. OH wait, he's staying with a friend that he could always talk to through all of this, hug, cry on a shoulder, vent...and our roommate Dre, is spending equal time over there. I have NO ONE. Just the dog. It's unfair but you know what? It's making me stronger. The fact that I have to do all this alone. Sure David's my first, but I know what I feel for him and I'm still going to stick to my guns...I'm putting my foot down and just holding out until Monday. It's so hard though, because tonight I begged him to just come home this one night because I'm sick with the fever and I'm having my first HUGE anxiety attack. NOPE. He said he can't, and that he has to do this. Stay with Jimmy for a week and he'll see me maybe tomorrow...if not...definitely Monday. Fuck that.
UGH! There has been so many times, that I wanted to call up this person or message this person to do something to take my mind off David, but I feel like if I ever did that, I'd have so much regret because I still have these feelings for David. I would do it if I was second guessing our relationship and I had to do it to see if David was the one, but I just can't do it. I don't have the guts. And I hate that I'm doing this though. Sitting here crying, confused about David and confused about our future. It's killing me not knowing what the future holds. It's killing me knowing that there's a possibility that he's making out with other guys and getting numbers and partying. Could he be staying a week as an excuse to party with no questions asked from me? Probably. Could he be doing this because he genuinally feels like the space is required because if not, he'll break up and then have to deal with the fact that he still loves me and wanted to make it work? Maybe. Could I just be over-analyzing this? YES. I need to make new friends. ASAP.
This new job at Starbucks is killing me! Mainly because I had my 2nd interview and I met more important people (Hiring managers, and store managers) and I had the one on one questionaires...they told me that everything looks good, and they'd call first thing Monday morning. I want to get hired so bad so I can be on my way to making new friends that I could hang out with so if David wants to spend another week apart, I'd have someone/somewhere to go. I'm so angry that it's come down to this. This is all so crazy. Sure, it's all legitimet things that couples argue about and myspace and cell phones have probably broken up so many relationships, but I just want to be completely honest in this relationship. I want him to know that too. SO:
David.
If you were here, I'd tell you look..
If you still love me, and I still love you, there are PLENTY of things that we could both change to help reconstruct this relationship. We need to talk to each other more. We need to be honest. We need to compomise.
We can't go backwards in this relationship, and since we live together, we have to almost work twice as hard to make sure we understand each other. We can make this work.
I think if there's anything we haven't told each other, if there's things still lingering over us..let's put it the table. Let's tell each other what each others' pet peeves are..let's see if maybe we can fix them!
HELL...let's make a list: Write MATT and DAVID and just write the things that need to be improved. And as time goes, let's see if they change. If 3 months, or 6 months from now, we are still fighting about those issues, let's get out the lists, and see if we changed on some. We'll sign the lists and make sure we help each other. So see...it all goes back to compromising. It's not that hard.
I know that you hate drama. I know when I cry, you used to feel bad, but now it just gets annoying. I know this. I can tell. And you don't really have to tell me anymore. I'm terribly sorry that it's taken me 4+ months for me to change (so you say) but you just have to trust me that everything will be fine. Things will change and once I start this job, and start school - you'll see. Is it too late for you to see that? Maybe. Do I want you to just try? Most definitely. We make each other so happy so it's just now we're being silly. At least I know I am. I'm the one that feels I need to call/text you at least once or twice to see how you are BUT I feel like maybe you could be handling all this differently as well. You know...you know....YOU KNOW....I'm at home crying and not handling this well, but you don't call me...you don't text me, "how are you feeling today..feeling better?" NOTHING. So I'm just saying you have it all. That's what I meant about the whole you all (Jim, Dre and you) are in the know, because you've been with them 24/7 since you left on Tuesday. I'm still here alone..just calling the usual friends or at least the ones that would pick up. I'm alone. I'm scared. and I know I have to go through this...I just didn't think I'd do it alone. So that's what I mean by maybe you could be handling this better. All the signs are just showing that you need to thing about yourself, and that's fine..kumbya..but if you love me..TRULY love me, you'd think about me and my feelings too. RIGHT? I've been taking care of myself and asking myself what do I want? What do I need? And trust me, I'm doing a good job doing what I have/need to do make sure I'm doing fine with this whole situation. I'm just led to believe by the words of others..ahem..that you're happy alone..away from me and yes, you miss me and you love me...but you're so ready to live on without me.
If so..I'm going to dread that day..hopefully not Monday when we talk about the future and if you think we can or cannot stay together. I just wish you knew how much I really love you. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. Everywhere I go in NY, things pop up that remind me of you and maybe that's just it. You said once in a journal post that you're past is slowing lingering over you like nicotine to a smokers lips. Maybe you now living in NY again...you wanted a bf at the time in 05, but you're reuniting with old flings, friends, one night stands, etc and you just want to be free again. You're happy with your job and school but maybe it's just time for you just do your own thing. I just hate the fact that you'd pull me this far and now show it. If you knew in the back of your mind that this would happen...you should've listened to that "second-guessing" thought before we lived together, let alone move to NY together.
I'm scard as fuck..hell..and anything in between.
I don't know what our future holds and yes, I don't like it and this week has been the most uncomfortable thing ever, but I'm going to be fine. Thanks for pushing me away to realize that I don't need anyone to make me happy. I make myself happy. I could live on without you. I could have these exact same feelings with someone else..I know that. I also know the calling in my heart. Whether it's God or something higher, I just know. And what hurts me the most is that you don't feel the same way. And I know, I've said this before, I can't change how you or anyone thinks about all this..but I just hope that maybe you think about us as much as you can while you're away from me. Think about do I really make you unhappy, happy..Are you thankful and feel blessed? Do you have it good and just don't know it? Do I treat you goo and do I really respect you as a person? Am I really a bad person? Think about all those things about me and see if you're right. I don't feel like I've influenced you more than you to me, I feel like we're equally responsible for the changes that are occuring right now...and I just want you to know...I love you beyond love. I looked and searched and questioned, and second-guessed...you name it, I've done it. It kills me that I'm ready to talk and you're not. It kills me that I'm sitting hoping that when you say, "I think I might come Saturday night or Sunday" that you're really going to do it.
I love you David.
I love you so much. and I just want you to know that I respect you highly. I'm not putting you on a pedistool anymore. I think you're great and I'd do anything to make you happy...but if you really want a week, or more, if that makes you happy - I'm happy. I'm sorry that it's so hard for me to accept that, and yes I don't agree with it 100%, but just give me time. Give yourself time, and it'll be fine in the end. I'm just so tired of lying to you, being passive aggressive to you...vice versa...I'm tired David.
I want to put everything and all on the table.
I want to strip it down to the raw and just cry, yell, laugh, blush, and anything one could feel when evaluating issues like the ones we're dealing with.
I look forward to seeing you either tomorrow, if not, you said you're coming home Monday. Hopefully you come home early Monday because I want to watch Heroes with you hellllllo!!!! lol It starts back up remember!?! So yeah, Have fun at work tomorrow and don't work too hard. And like I said, I'm happy and proud of you that you found something that you actually enjoy doing and it makes me happy to see you happy...and I respect you all the way now. I guess I just had to cry and let all these other thoughts and feelings out. Sucks that I couldn't talk to anyone unlike you who has a billion friends to help take your mind off all this...I have nikita... so yeah...I'll be fine. So. Sleep well and take your time.
lasdkjgalksdgjaldsgf;
Okay so now that's off my mind. I feel a lot better. I'm undecided if I want to put this in my lj or post in a blog or send it do David..I don't know. Maybe I'll post it later. I'm not sure. Phew...
I miss you Mommy.
Thanks for helping through this when no one was here to help.
-Matthew Ryan Pence
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Hurts.
So I can't sleep.
It's 25 mintues to midnight, and it's day two. I know I'm strong, but it's just one of those feelings that I can't seem to let go. I can literally feel my heart racing and imagine doing fast push ups and counting at the same time...that's how fast my heart is racing.
I miss him.
I've thought about a lot and I'm so determined to make this work. I have so much on my mind. and it kills me not knowing when he's coming back home.
I love him.
and I just want him here.
It's 25 mintues to midnight, and it's day two. I know I'm strong, but it's just one of those feelings that I can't seem to let go. I can literally feel my heart racing and imagine doing fast push ups and counting at the same time...that's how fast my heart is racing.
I miss him.
I've thought about a lot and I'm so determined to make this work. I have so much on my mind. and it kills me not knowing when he's coming back home.
I love him.
and I just want him here.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Tie.
All of these things tie together.
I make changes for you.
So is it that hard to make some changes for me?
If you truly are not hiding anything via myspace or cell phone, why do you get so mad when I question, “Who is it?” Is it really that hard to just tell me, “Oh this is Tom, an ex-friend” and do it in the open. You are entitled to your own privacy, but I don’t question all the times I would like to, so it’s really not that bad to just tell me the truth.
Our relationship runs off honesty. Why lie about something to produce another problem and make things worse. If you think I’m too paranoid, and nosey, you should really sit me down, and tell me, “Look, I’m going out to drink with XXX and I’m not doing anything to hurt you so just calm down”. Lying only makes things worse.
We’ve both lied, so if we agree we were both in the wrong and change it, but if it happens again, the first “I’m sorry” cancelled out, right? And then that means we’re really not compatible.
Part of a relationship is compromising.
It’s almost impossible to go backwards in a relationship.
You’ll lose some freedom being in a committed relationship, but I can work on giving you the freedom you need without throwing it all away.
Same with text messages, why do you feel it’s okay to pass out your number and get another number of a person, without having other intentions? Especially when you lie about them. If they are just friends, they’re just a friend. When you lie, that’s burning a bridge that I cannot cross again.
In 3 days, if you don’t miss me, chances are you never really meant for us to be in a relationship to start with.
Maybe you don’t know what you’ve gotten from me and yes, you’re willing to throw it all away right now, but take the time to really think of the benefits I have given you.
I’m not telling you to delete your myspace, or not talk to this person, but if you truly wanted to make me happy, you’d honor those requests. I’m just asking you, not demanding you do so.
I’m throwing everything in your face, but we just have issues to talk about.
I make changes for you.
So is it that hard to make some changes for me?
If you truly are not hiding anything via myspace or cell phone, why do you get so mad when I question, “Who is it?” Is it really that hard to just tell me, “Oh this is Tom, an ex-friend” and do it in the open. You are entitled to your own privacy, but I don’t question all the times I would like to, so it’s really not that bad to just tell me the truth.
Our relationship runs off honesty. Why lie about something to produce another problem and make things worse. If you think I’m too paranoid, and nosey, you should really sit me down, and tell me, “Look, I’m going out to drink with XXX and I’m not doing anything to hurt you so just calm down”. Lying only makes things worse.
We’ve both lied, so if we agree we were both in the wrong and change it, but if it happens again, the first “I’m sorry” cancelled out, right? And then that means we’re really not compatible.
Part of a relationship is compromising.
It’s almost impossible to go backwards in a relationship.
You’ll lose some freedom being in a committed relationship, but I can work on giving you the freedom you need without throwing it all away.
Same with text messages, why do you feel it’s okay to pass out your number and get another number of a person, without having other intentions? Especially when you lie about them. If they are just friends, they’re just a friend. When you lie, that’s burning a bridge that I cannot cross again.
In 3 days, if you don’t miss me, chances are you never really meant for us to be in a relationship to start with.
Maybe you don’t know what you’ve gotten from me and yes, you’re willing to throw it all away right now, but take the time to really think of the benefits I have given you.
I’m not telling you to delete your myspace, or not talk to this person, but if you truly wanted to make me happy, you’d honor those requests. I’m just asking you, not demanding you do so.
I’m throwing everything in your face, but we just have issues to talk about.
Truth.
Wouldn't it be so nice, if maybe this one time, you'd come home in the wee hours of the morning because you couldn't stand being alone and you'd drop your bags in the foyer and run up and pick me up and we'd hug and there would be that "feeling" that was just a given...that everything from this point on, would be okay?
I get that rush too.
I get that rush too.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Memories.
David and I ran into Michelle Trachtenberg at The Silk Trading Company off 5th Ave. and 16th. David moved from New York to live with me in Dallas for a while. Turned into 8 months. Adopted 4 fish, which went to 10 in like a day. I never do that.
David turned 21, and I celebrated my first Valentine’s Day with someone I loved. Had photo shoot in a house worth $500,000. Realized that people (Christian or not) are not who they seem to be. Braces Pt. 1: RPE. I reunited with my stepsister, whom I haven’t spoken to in 3 years.
My first road trip. We went to Nashville, TN to visit David’s mom and sister. Wonderful people btw. Took home David’s childhood dog, Nikita, back home with us to Dallas. R.I.P. fish. All 10. David was threatened to being sued? Come on now. Founded “Spa Night” which later turned out to be he HUGE.
My second road trip. Went to Houston to visit our friend from NY who is originally from Houston. Both started to work at retail; later found out it’s the #1 job from hell. Our First “Ray of Sunshine”. Braces Pt. 2: I got braces, which has been my ultimate “promise” for 5 years or so.
Visited my childhood home in honor of my mom’s 48th birthday.
One-year anniversary with David. Second “Ray of Sunshine”. Not so Ray and not so sunshine. Mini vacation back to New York for 10 days.
Experienced my first “sick drunk”. Never Again. “This is the worse service ever!” “Water for everyone! Drinks on me!” Shook Daniel Vosovic’s hand on Columbus and 83rd; same day Nigel Barker sat behind us at The Diner. Officially sold my car and everything I own for the “Big Move”. Dre came to visit us in Dallas and party it up.
My 3rd road trip. But this time, for good. We drove a U-Haul from Dallas to Nashville, and then to NY. Bought my first apartment in NY - “I was on 145th and Broadway”.
WOW. Nothing.
David filmed a short movie in Jersey. Halloween in the West Village in a full out costume with a fake mustache and everything.
Took revenge on Express. Three times. November 5th is the magic date. I turned 20.
Warmest holiday season yet. Searched for a real tree, found one. 2nd Christmas in New York, marking “The 2nd annual Christmas of TNT”. I love it.
David turned 21, and I celebrated my first Valentine’s Day with someone I loved. Had photo shoot in a house worth $500,000. Realized that people (Christian or not) are not who they seem to be. Braces Pt. 1: RPE. I reunited with my stepsister, whom I haven’t spoken to in 3 years.
My first road trip. We went to Nashville, TN to visit David’s mom and sister. Wonderful people btw. Took home David’s childhood dog, Nikita, back home with us to Dallas. R.I.P. fish. All 10. David was threatened to being sued? Come on now. Founded “Spa Night” which later turned out to be he HUGE.
My second road trip. Went to Houston to visit our friend from NY who is originally from Houston. Both started to work at retail; later found out it’s the #1 job from hell. Our First “Ray of Sunshine”. Braces Pt. 2: I got braces, which has been my ultimate “promise” for 5 years or so.
Visited my childhood home in honor of my mom’s 48th birthday.
One-year anniversary with David. Second “Ray of Sunshine”. Not so Ray and not so sunshine. Mini vacation back to New York for 10 days.
Experienced my first “sick drunk”. Never Again. “This is the worse service ever!” “Water for everyone! Drinks on me!” Shook Daniel Vosovic’s hand on Columbus and 83rd; same day Nigel Barker sat behind us at The Diner. Officially sold my car and everything I own for the “Big Move”. Dre came to visit us in Dallas and party it up.
My 3rd road trip. But this time, for good. We drove a U-Haul from Dallas to Nashville, and then to NY. Bought my first apartment in NY - “I was on 145th and Broadway”.
WOW. Nothing.
David filmed a short movie in Jersey. Halloween in the West Village in a full out costume with a fake mustache and everything.
Took revenge on Express. Three times. November 5th is the magic date. I turned 20.
Warmest holiday season yet. Searched for a real tree, found one. 2nd Christmas in New York, marking “The 2nd annual Christmas of TNT”. I love it.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
National Break-Up Day.
1. Picking fights.
No one is saying you have to get along 24/7. After all, constructive conflict can actually be good for your relationship. But if you find that your partner has become argumentative over petty issues like your clothes or choice of restaurant, that should serve as a warning sign that he/she may be looking for an excuse to bail.
2. Forgetting to call.
Used to be that your phone would ring all day long with your sweetie wanting to make plans or calling just to say, "I love you." And while long, drawn-out conversations may have made you swoon before, now your significant other doesn't even call when he/she is running three hours late. It may seem obvious, but going from speed dial to a blocked number is a sure sign that your relationship may be nearing its expiration date.
3. Changing their stripes.
While we all like to tinker with our looks every now and then, a major change in appearance can be a sign that your partner is looking toward greener pastures. Whether they've chopped off all their hair, lost 40 pounds or gone from a bold brunette to a sultry blonde, major cosmetic changes should be noted. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a little vain, but if the change is accompanied by any of the other signs listed here, you may need to get ready to go solo.
4. Criticizing.
Let's face it, no one is perfect. Sometimes we wish our partner could be taller, funnier, more considerate – the list goes on. But when we're in love, we take the good with the bad. The imperfections can even be endearing, provided there's a lot of love to go around. Of course, if your sweetie isn't feeling you anymore, don't be surprised if he/she becomes less tolerant of everything, from how you brush your teeth to how you tie your shoes. So while a few complaints here and there may be par for the course, constant criticism is a telltale sign that your days as a twosome are numbered.
5. Losing sexual interest.
A healthy sex life can make or break a relationship. If you find that your partner is becoming more sexually aloof, you need to get to the root of the issue. While it's natural to have less sex as you settle into a comfortable groove together, waiting weeks or months to have sexual contact is a sign that something is amiss.
A major change in appearance can be a sign that your partner is looking toward greener pastures.
No one is saying you have to get along 24/7. After all, constructive conflict can actually be good for your relationship. But if you find that your partner has become argumentative over petty issues like your clothes or choice of restaurant, that should serve as a warning sign that he/she may be looking for an excuse to bail.
2. Forgetting to call.
Used to be that your phone would ring all day long with your sweetie wanting to make plans or calling just to say, "I love you." And while long, drawn-out conversations may have made you swoon before, now your significant other doesn't even call when he/she is running three hours late. It may seem obvious, but going from speed dial to a blocked number is a sure sign that your relationship may be nearing its expiration date.
3. Changing their stripes.
While we all like to tinker with our looks every now and then, a major change in appearance can be a sign that your partner is looking toward greener pastures. Whether they've chopped off all their hair, lost 40 pounds or gone from a bold brunette to a sultry blonde, major cosmetic changes should be noted. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a little vain, but if the change is accompanied by any of the other signs listed here, you may need to get ready to go solo.
4. Criticizing.
Let's face it, no one is perfect. Sometimes we wish our partner could be taller, funnier, more considerate – the list goes on. But when we're in love, we take the good with the bad. The imperfections can even be endearing, provided there's a lot of love to go around. Of course, if your sweetie isn't feeling you anymore, don't be surprised if he/she becomes less tolerant of everything, from how you brush your teeth to how you tie your shoes. So while a few complaints here and there may be par for the course, constant criticism is a telltale sign that your days as a twosome are numbered.
5. Losing sexual interest.
A healthy sex life can make or break a relationship. If you find that your partner is becoming more sexually aloof, you need to get to the root of the issue. While it's natural to have less sex as you settle into a comfortable groove together, waiting weeks or months to have sexual contact is a sign that something is amiss.
A major change in appearance can be a sign that your partner is looking toward greener pastures.
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
I Don't Know How To Say This.
So I'll just say it like it is.
You make me sick.
In fact, I'm probably sick right now.
I can't even believe you'd do this to me.
Why do you have to open your mouth from the start?
I think you're two-faced.
And you don't know how to hide it very well.
You're right.
You're always right.
And that is what sickens me.
You make me sick.
In fact, I'm probably sick right now.
I can't even believe you'd do this to me.
Why do you have to open your mouth from the start?
I think you're two-faced.
And you don't know how to hide it very well.
You're right.
You're always right.
And that is what sickens me.
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