Observation.

a ledge outside the 'a building'
elevated pillars give the illusion of a castle, but no
a campus in nyc
where streets go through my campus
groups of kids congregate, socialize, gossip, laugh
the air smells crisp
very cold
32 people outside walking - maybe more
the sun is setting, gloomy
the cute guy, probably in his mid-30s giving me the half smile while walking towards 7th ave
my butt is cold on this concrete
a brief scent of cigarette smoke
an older man with sunglasses on his cell phone sitting on campus
the cute little girl jumping on the black statue in front of the 'a building'
a couple laughing and talking a bout randomness, all layered up
probably warm
how good my plain bagel is with peanut butter
this girl in a fabulous 3/4 length coat greeting a friend on the bench
hugging and kissing twice on the cheek
the elderly woman walking two cute puppies each with their own uniue pep i their step
gust of wind giving my spine goosebumps
looking up at the high rises across the street - wondering how that terrace on the 15th floor is someones backyard or secret garden
britney's 'toy soldier' is on repeat in my head

I Love FIT.

Lady In Red.

without any assistance or guidance from you
i have loved you assiduously for 8 months 2 wks & a day
i have been stood up four times
i've left 7 packages on yr doorstep
forty poems 2 plants & 3 handmade notecards i left
town so i cd send to you have been no help to me
on my job
you call at 3:00 in the mornin on weekdays
so i cd drive 27 1/2 miles cross the bay before I go to work
charmin charmin
but you are of no assistance
i want you to know
that this waz an experiment
to see how selfish i cd be

if i wd really carry on to snare a possible lover
if i waz capable of debasin my self for the love of another
if i cd stand not being wanted
when i wanted to be wanted
& i cannot
so
with no further assitance & no guidance from you
i am endin this affair

this note is attached to a plant i've been waterin since the day i met you
you may water it
yr damn self

-Ntozake Shange

Wish.

It's 11:11.
Make a wish.

Boy do I have one for you.

Distraction.

I should be working on my 2D "Inspiration" piece, but I find that I'm getting distracted from my wheat thins and newly leaked "Blackout" songs from Miss Spears.

OMG, where did the time go? It seems like just the other day I was writing in this thing talking about how anxious and nervous I was about starting school...well here I am, midterms already. There's something about this time of year that always excites me, especially the fact that it's starting to get cold and that it's Thanksgiving season. My birthday falls on the exact day this year and to be honest, I'm so excited. My life is already changing but something about the big Two-One is driving me crazy. I get goosebumps everytime. I want to plan big.

So I guess I should talk a little bit about school huh. It's amazing and everything I thought it would be. I've made so many friends and I honestly love that feeling of walking down the halls and people waving and saying "hi matt" as I pass by. It's a good feeling. I love that all the guys who work in the cafeteria know my "usual meal" and start making it, followed by the guy who swipes my card who teaches me a little spanish everyday so I can be a "well-rounded bilingual student". All my professors are incredible..I have a cluster review on the 25th of this month and I'm nervous. I'm already displaying my best pieces to all my professors and peers and everyone gets to see my progress of my work thus far. I think that I've done well and successfully started to improve my skill and already I'm seeing that something is exceeding. I'm always assigned extra work to do and always asked to extend beyond what the rest of the class has to do..ending up with my work pinned on the wall for the others to see. I'm not sure how I feel about that though..I like the attention but at the same time, I have this fear of what people really feel aboout me. I get hot and sweaty and feel like my voice cracks and dips with my nerves. Speaking of which, we have public critiques daily so it helps me to forget about the nerves and just deal with it - BUT I still hate it.

Things are going okay for David and me. I mean things are so different, but our lifestyles have changed and I guess it's for the best. We still see each other once, maybe twice if we're lucky a week and do things scandalous i.e. fuck in his salon after closing hours and being naughty..lol I never ever felt like fucking like this before. I don't know if the lack of sex that we had for a while, but within 3 days, we have fucked harder and better than we ever had. It was as hot as that one time we got all dressed up for something but ended up fucking in the kitchen which ended up in the over-sized chair and ended on the bathroom floor. It was a crazy experience. I loved every minute of it. I miss him though. It's strange to me to not be in the same room as him, or even the same apartment and I always wonder if he feels the same way. He's going through so much right now with school and work that he even mentioned to me that I'm at the bottom of his priority list. He says he still loves me, but it hurts to know that deep down, he could move on without me. Nevertheless, we still hang out when both of us have the time and still have dinner and still laugh and hug and kiss and all that stuff I value in my relationship with him. I just love him so much, and I'm so proud of him, I just don't think I tell/show him enough. That needs to be a continued "new year's resolution" or something. I need to train my brain to think differently and really evaluate us. I love him a lot. I do.

Ugh, I need to shower.
I need to shave and I need to get some sleep. I have class at 9:00a. I had a doppio on ice though and I'm so WIDE AWAKE...thanks...mmmm wheat thins..

x

Something For Me To Work On.

I need to stop being so jealous.
Who cares who talks to him.
Who cares.

I do.
I'll try not not.
I don't.
I won't.

It's July 4th.
A year ago, we fought.
This year, I refuse to do it again.

Let's celebrate.
It's 2007.
I'm 21 this year.

BUT.
I need to stop being so jealous.
I get so mad that it ruins my day.

I have amazing co-workers.
So working tonight isn't going to be bad.
I just have to stop thinking about everything.

I'm going to FIT in a month 1/2!

Just Counting.

So here it is, 10:41p and it's pouring rain..based off the thunder and lightning I'd say the storm is 1 mile or so away. Feels like we're right in the eye of the storm because the rain is coming down hard. It's always so funny to watch Nikita when it thunderstorms because she gets scared so easily. Her ears go back, she shakes and she ends up going to the bathroom everywhere. I guess that part isn't funny as it is annoying, but it's funny because she knows when it's about to storm before it actually does.

I paid my dorm deposit today. And to be quite honest, it was the scariest thing I've had to do. Mainly because that was the final thread to tie up my school stuff before I start in the fall. Imagine having an established apartment, everything you own..to having to condense it for a dorm that you'll have to end up sharing with a total stranger. I guess that's the fun out of "dorm-life" but for a while now, I wasn't having it. I was determined to sign another lease with David, and just live my life like I've been doing. BUT the smartest thing to do is just that. So now, my fear has turned into excitement.

I'm officially a fine arts major. I'm so excited that I don't even know what to say. I did this all on my own and I'm surprised that everything worked out okay. I mean, don't get me wrong it was A LOT of work, but in the end..it's so worth it. Thank you David and Kashmir for helping me along the way..I know I said it before, but it needs to be said again.

My life is changing.

I'm jumping with both feet in, and just counting down the days..

Cry.

All I want to be is my disappearing self.
Is that too much to ask??

It's all bullshit.
Yeah, I know..I said it was in my last post.

waa waa waaaa.

I'm tired of it all.
I'm tired of the complaining.
The whining.
The depression.
The bitterness.

The heavy sighs.
The rolling of the eyes.

If you don't like my bulletins.
Get over it, don't read it. Don't even click the link.
If you don't like your hair.
Stop cutting it.
If you don't like your weight.
Go to the gym your friend above you wants you to join.
Or at least go walk your dog for an hour+ like Fallon.

I'm sorry I got cranky, but you said it yourself.
You were in a bad mood because you were depressed and fat.
Then they way you asked me.
I know it was a simple question, but at the moment, I was in no mood.
What did you want me to say? "Oh, no baby, I didn't get to it with all the other things I was cleaning tonight".

I was working my way around the apartment because I know you just
recently worked hard at cleaning it, so I wanted to clean up after myself.
So sorry that you hate seeing dishes in the sink so much that they should be clean before you come home.

I'm not your wife.
I don't want to be anything close to that.

ladskfja.

Sorry that I'm probably complaining...once again.
But it's just not fair. I can feel myself changing from the hair on my head all the way down to my little toes.
I'm constantly walking on eggshells and it will never be enough.

Never.

I'm tired of always "ruining your evening"
Ruining your day.
Ruining your friendships with you true friends.
Ruining us.

So let's just all cry a river.
Seems I just jumped in your boat.

Yeah I Know.

It's all bullshit.
And it really makes me unhappy to be here.














fuck.

Why Don't You Be The Light To My Day.

Can I just say that the last 24 hours have been so, so crazy I don't even know where to begin. I can say that we had the feeling something wasn't right.

Okay.

So we booked our trip to Dallas almost 3 weeks prior to our departure time thinking we'd enjoy 5 days off...my braces appointment, seeing wonderful friends, celebrating our two year in my hometown, getting out of NY for a few..yeah. Well we should've followd our "6th Sense" from the start. So I got an infection from old contacts the day before our trip, and I squeezed an appointment right before and they gave me drops but told me to, "not wear my contacts the whole time I'm gone". Sign 1.

Not only did David have this weird feeling (he hates to fly, but it wasn't that - it was worse) about the trip, even the dog was acting up. It's true, as we were packed and walking out the door, Nikita came out with us like she was going with us, or didn't want us to go. She never does that. Last time she did that, it was when we moved from Dallas to New York a year ago. New environments I suppose. Well we're waiting for the elevator and we can hear her whine and cry the whole time. Sign 2.

Then after a couple mini panic attacks about if this is what we're supposed to be doing, we finally suck it up and go to the airport. Not going to lie, even David had me start thinking about the plane. I'm not saying we've watched too much Final Desintation or LOST, it's just a weird feeling everytime we fly someone new. We get there and what, our flight was delayed by 2 hours. Sign 3

Okay? So we ended up sitting at our gate for 3 ½ hours, meanwhile the people who run the counters and everything around our gate, bounced because they KNEW they were going to get shit from everyone. No one was telling us anything and it got to the point that even no one was telling us it was still being delayed. Departure time now: 9:20p, meanwhile it's 10:35. We noticed the screens above the gate doors with the weather and we noticed that DFW area had tornado watches/warnings to 3a. We don't fly if there's any sign of bad weather. Sign 4.

We board around 11:45 and they tell apologize for the delay, tell us to kick off our shoes, and even take down everyone's cocktail drink order and guess what they tell us..we have to be grounded for another 2+ hours. BUT because it was cross passed 12:01a, they have to cancel our flight. Bitch. After directing us the wrong ticket booth to re-book our flight, they wouln't pay for a hotel considering they booked us for 8:00/9:00a flight the next day. They wouldn't allow us to spend the night, and they expected us to spend $70 more dollars to go home, then wake up extra early to spend it all over again by 8a. Hell no. We refunded that money quick and we'll plan the same trip like 3 weeks later.

All good things comes out of this though. There was this woman who only spoke spanish, and I kid you not she didn't know a word of english who found David and I and she was telling us that we can't separate, she needs us, our help and translation and that she's all alone in the airport just trying to get back home to Dallas. She was borrowing our phones right and left and apparently her son wasn't driving an hour to pick her up from her delayed flight. (I'm guessing he lived in Upstate NY) Phew. What a night. This is a lesson or a test for us. Never continue to persue something when you get that feeling, and always just listen to that voice or in this case, the bark that was just saying, "NO!!!!" from the start. haha.

I'm sorry Dallas.
:(