So here it is, 10:41p and it's pouring rain..based off the thunder and lightning I'd say the storm is 1 mile or so away. Feels like we're right in the eye of the storm because the rain is coming down hard. It's always so funny to watch Nikita when it thunderstorms because she gets scared so easily. Her ears go back, she shakes and she ends up going to the bathroom everywhere. I guess that part isn't funny as it is annoying, but it's funny because she knows when it's about to storm before it actually does.
I paid my dorm deposit today. And to be quite honest, it was the scariest thing I've had to do. Mainly because that was the final thread to tie up my school stuff before I start in the fall. Imagine having an established apartment, everything you own..to having to condense it for a dorm that you'll have to end up sharing with a total stranger. I guess that's the fun out of "dorm-life" but for a while now, I wasn't having it. I was determined to sign another lease with David, and just live my life like I've been doing. BUT the smartest thing to do is just that. So now, my fear has turned into excitement.
I'm officially a fine arts major. I'm so excited that I don't even know what to say. I did this all on my own and I'm surprised that everything worked out okay. I mean, don't get me wrong it was A LOT of work, but in the end..it's so worth it. Thank you David and Kashmir for helping me along the way..I know I said it before, but it needs to be said again.
My life is changing.
I'm jumping with both feet in, and just counting down the days..
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
Cry.
All I want to be is my disappearing self.
Is that too much to ask??
It's all bullshit.
Yeah, I know..I said it was in my last post.
waa waa waaaa.
I'm tired of it all.
I'm tired of the complaining.
The whining.
The depression.
The bitterness.
The heavy sighs.
The rolling of the eyes.
If you don't like my bulletins.
Get over it, don't read it. Don't even click the link.
If you don't like your hair.
Stop cutting it.
If you don't like your weight.
Go to the gym your friend above you wants you to join.
Or at least go walk your dog for an hour+ like Fallon.
I'm sorry I got cranky, but you said it yourself.
You were in a bad mood because you were depressed and fat.
Then they way you asked me.
I know it was a simple question, but at the moment, I was in no mood.
What did you want me to say? "Oh, no baby, I didn't get to it with all the other things I was cleaning tonight".
I was working my way around the apartment because I know you just
recently worked hard at cleaning it, so I wanted to clean up after myself.
So sorry that you hate seeing dishes in the sink so much that they should be clean before you come home.
I'm not your wife.
I don't want to be anything close to that.
ladskfja.
Sorry that I'm probably complaining...once again.
But it's just not fair. I can feel myself changing from the hair on my head all the way down to my little toes.
I'm constantly walking on eggshells and it will never be enough.
Never.
I'm tired of always "ruining your evening"
Ruining your day.
Ruining your friendships with you true friends.
Ruining us.
So let's just all cry a river.
Seems I just jumped in your boat.
Is that too much to ask??
It's all bullshit.
Yeah, I know..I said it was in my last post.
waa waa waaaa.
I'm tired of it all.
I'm tired of the complaining.
The whining.
The depression.
The bitterness.
The heavy sighs.
The rolling of the eyes.
If you don't like my bulletins.
Get over it, don't read it. Don't even click the link.
If you don't like your hair.
Stop cutting it.
If you don't like your weight.
Go to the gym your friend above you wants you to join.
Or at least go walk your dog for an hour+ like Fallon.
I'm sorry I got cranky, but you said it yourself.
You were in a bad mood because you were depressed and fat.
Then they way you asked me.
I know it was a simple question, but at the moment, I was in no mood.
What did you want me to say? "Oh, no baby, I didn't get to it with all the other things I was cleaning tonight".
I was working my way around the apartment because I know you just
recently worked hard at cleaning it, so I wanted to clean up after myself.
So sorry that you hate seeing dishes in the sink so much that they should be clean before you come home.
I'm not your wife.
I don't want to be anything close to that.
ladskfja.
Sorry that I'm probably complaining...once again.
But it's just not fair. I can feel myself changing from the hair on my head all the way down to my little toes.
I'm constantly walking on eggshells and it will never be enough.
Never.
I'm tired of always "ruining your evening"
Ruining your day.
Ruining your friendships with you true friends.
Ruining us.
So let's just all cry a river.
Seems I just jumped in your boat.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Why Don't You Be The Light To My Day.
Can I just say that the last 24 hours have been so, so crazy I don't even know where to begin. I can say that we had the feeling something wasn't right.
Okay.
So we booked our trip to Dallas almost 3 weeks prior to our departure time thinking we'd enjoy 5 days off...my braces appointment, seeing wonderful friends, celebrating our two year in my hometown, getting out of NY for a few..yeah. Well we should've followd our "6th Sense" from the start. So I got an infection from old contacts the day before our trip, and I squeezed an appointment right before and they gave me drops but told me to, "not wear my contacts the whole time I'm gone". Sign 1.
Not only did David have this weird feeling (he hates to fly, but it wasn't that - it was worse) about the trip, even the dog was acting up. It's true, as we were packed and walking out the door, Nikita came out with us like she was going with us, or didn't want us to go. She never does that. Last time she did that, it was when we moved from Dallas to New York a year ago. New environments I suppose. Well we're waiting for the elevator and we can hear her whine and cry the whole time. Sign 2.
Then after a couple mini panic attacks about if this is what we're supposed to be doing, we finally suck it up and go to the airport. Not going to lie, even David had me start thinking about the plane. I'm not saying we've watched too much Final Desintation or LOST, it's just a weird feeling everytime we fly someone new. We get there and what, our flight was delayed by 2 hours. Sign 3
Okay? So we ended up sitting at our gate for 3 ½ hours, meanwhile the people who run the counters and everything around our gate, bounced because they KNEW they were going to get shit from everyone. No one was telling us anything and it got to the point that even no one was telling us it was still being delayed. Departure time now: 9:20p, meanwhile it's 10:35. We noticed the screens above the gate doors with the weather and we noticed that DFW area had tornado watches/warnings to 3a. We don't fly if there's any sign of bad weather. Sign 4.
We board around 11:45 and they tell apologize for the delay, tell us to kick off our shoes, and even take down everyone's cocktail drink order and guess what they tell us..we have to be grounded for another 2+ hours. BUT because it was cross passed 12:01a, they have to cancel our flight. Bitch. After directing us the wrong ticket booth to re-book our flight, they wouln't pay for a hotel considering they booked us for 8:00/9:00a flight the next day. They wouldn't allow us to spend the night, and they expected us to spend $70 more dollars to go home, then wake up extra early to spend it all over again by 8a. Hell no. We refunded that money quick and we'll plan the same trip like 3 weeks later.
All good things comes out of this though. There was this woman who only spoke spanish, and I kid you not she didn't know a word of english who found David and I and she was telling us that we can't separate, she needs us, our help and translation and that she's all alone in the airport just trying to get back home to Dallas. She was borrowing our phones right and left and apparently her son wasn't driving an hour to pick her up from her delayed flight. (I'm guessing he lived in Upstate NY) Phew. What a night. This is a lesson or a test for us. Never continue to persue something when you get that feeling, and always just listen to that voice or in this case, the bark that was just saying, "NO!!!!" from the start. haha.
I'm sorry Dallas.
:(
Okay.
So we booked our trip to Dallas almost 3 weeks prior to our departure time thinking we'd enjoy 5 days off...my braces appointment, seeing wonderful friends, celebrating our two year in my hometown, getting out of NY for a few..yeah. Well we should've followd our "6th Sense" from the start. So I got an infection from old contacts the day before our trip, and I squeezed an appointment right before and they gave me drops but told me to, "not wear my contacts the whole time I'm gone". Sign 1.
Not only did David have this weird feeling (he hates to fly, but it wasn't that - it was worse) about the trip, even the dog was acting up. It's true, as we were packed and walking out the door, Nikita came out with us like she was going with us, or didn't want us to go. She never does that. Last time she did that, it was when we moved from Dallas to New York a year ago. New environments I suppose. Well we're waiting for the elevator and we can hear her whine and cry the whole time. Sign 2.
Then after a couple mini panic attacks about if this is what we're supposed to be doing, we finally suck it up and go to the airport. Not going to lie, even David had me start thinking about the plane. I'm not saying we've watched too much Final Desintation or LOST, it's just a weird feeling everytime we fly someone new. We get there and what, our flight was delayed by 2 hours. Sign 3
Okay? So we ended up sitting at our gate for 3 ½ hours, meanwhile the people who run the counters and everything around our gate, bounced because they KNEW they were going to get shit from everyone. No one was telling us anything and it got to the point that even no one was telling us it was still being delayed. Departure time now: 9:20p, meanwhile it's 10:35. We noticed the screens above the gate doors with the weather and we noticed that DFW area had tornado watches/warnings to 3a. We don't fly if there's any sign of bad weather. Sign 4.
We board around 11:45 and they tell apologize for the delay, tell us to kick off our shoes, and even take down everyone's cocktail drink order and guess what they tell us..we have to be grounded for another 2+ hours. BUT because it was cross passed 12:01a, they have to cancel our flight. Bitch. After directing us the wrong ticket booth to re-book our flight, they wouln't pay for a hotel considering they booked us for 8:00/9:00a flight the next day. They wouldn't allow us to spend the night, and they expected us to spend $70 more dollars to go home, then wake up extra early to spend it all over again by 8a. Hell no. We refunded that money quick and we'll plan the same trip like 3 weeks later.
All good things comes out of this though. There was this woman who only spoke spanish, and I kid you not she didn't know a word of english who found David and I and she was telling us that we can't separate, she needs us, our help and translation and that she's all alone in the airport just trying to get back home to Dallas. She was borrowing our phones right and left and apparently her son wasn't driving an hour to pick her up from her delayed flight. (I'm guessing he lived in Upstate NY) Phew. What a night. This is a lesson or a test for us. Never continue to persue something when you get that feeling, and always just listen to that voice or in this case, the bark that was just saying, "NO!!!!" from the start. haha.
I'm sorry Dallas.
:(
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Have You Ever Thought?
This is so crazy.
So today, I was working a 8:15a - 12:15p shift doing what I normally do; working hard, not really just having fun doing it. Feeling very confident in what I do, and feeling good that a lot of the regulars actually know my name and can hold a conversation with me. It feels nice. Which brings me to this: My boss came up to me as I was filling up the RDE case and she asked me, "Have you ever thought about becoming a shift?" HOLD UP? I've been there for 6 months and they're already asking me to promote to shift? By all means, that's fantastic but I feel like, am I ready for this? FUCK YEAH! I feel like I'm in a certain part in my life where I'm ready to be "upgradeddd". It surprises me that they asked me because that means they're watching my performance. I'm doing someting right, but it also freaks me out a bit because that means I have to step up my game. Wow that's crazy. I'm so thankful.
Anyways. We're back to having wonderful sex. Only this time, it's me doing the fucking. It's amazing I'm not gonna lie. Who knew that just because I'm the smaller one, doens't mean that I have to take it up the ass all the time. It's so hot to see David, who's primarily a top being the one who rides and bends over and all that. It's hot not even gonna lie. Like he said, maybe it's just a "top phase" .. call what you want, I just feel this urge to fuck and I feel so masculine doing it. I love it. More please?!
Mmm. It's almost 11:00p and I forget how much I enjoy David's presence. We're lying in bed watching a movie, orderd in and just relaxing...but like I said, I forget how much I actually just love being aroud him. I know it's a given and sometimes very obvious, but still. I guess I take our time together for granted at times. Meh. He's so cute.
GRR.
I feel fat know from the pizza.
And my hair is starting to curl....OH HELL NO.
Relaxer pleaseeeee?
So today, I was working a 8:15a - 12:15p shift doing what I normally do; working hard, not really just having fun doing it. Feeling very confident in what I do, and feeling good that a lot of the regulars actually know my name and can hold a conversation with me. It feels nice. Which brings me to this: My boss came up to me as I was filling up the RDE case and she asked me, "Have you ever thought about becoming a shift?" HOLD UP? I've been there for 6 months and they're already asking me to promote to shift? By all means, that's fantastic but I feel like, am I ready for this? FUCK YEAH! I feel like I'm in a certain part in my life where I'm ready to be "upgradeddd". It surprises me that they asked me because that means they're watching my performance. I'm doing someting right, but it also freaks me out a bit because that means I have to step up my game. Wow that's crazy. I'm so thankful.
Anyways. We're back to having wonderful sex. Only this time, it's me doing the fucking. It's amazing I'm not gonna lie. Who knew that just because I'm the smaller one, doens't mean that I have to take it up the ass all the time. It's so hot to see David, who's primarily a top being the one who rides and bends over and all that. It's hot not even gonna lie. Like he said, maybe it's just a "top phase" .. call what you want, I just feel this urge to fuck and I feel so masculine doing it. I love it. More please?!
Mmm. It's almost 11:00p and I forget how much I enjoy David's presence. We're lying in bed watching a movie, orderd in and just relaxing...but like I said, I forget how much I actually just love being aroud him. I know it's a given and sometimes very obvious, but still. I guess I take our time together for granted at times. Meh. He's so cute.
GRR.
I feel fat know from the pizza.
And my hair is starting to curl....OH HELL NO.
Relaxer pleaseeeee?
Friday, May 25, 2007
Would You Be Mad.
You be mad if I read about Michael and Sam and Daniel <3 Gomez?
I don't know how it started..by accident really.
I clicked your comment, then next thing I know, It's 2004-2007.
I randomly clicked.
I randomly read.
One thing I noticed.
I wasn't the first man to "break your heart" like you claimed.
I'm not holding it against you.
I'm avoiding confrontation.
I'm in love with you.
I want to take it to the next level.
No grudges.
Don't be mad mad.
Mc.
I don't know how it started..by accident really.
I clicked your comment, then next thing I know, It's 2004-2007.
I randomly clicked.
I randomly read.
One thing I noticed.
I wasn't the first man to "break your heart" like you claimed.
I'm not holding it against you.
I'm avoiding confrontation.
I'm in love with you.
I want to take it to the next level.
No grudges.
Don't be mad mad.
Mc.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Something I'd Like To Remember.
I get hot.
I get red in the face. Have you ever had that feeling?
When you get so anxious, so overcome with anxiety, anger, jealousy or even joy where you feel your blood pressure literally rising. You feel your cheeks tingle with heat and your ears start to ring. Your heart seems to pump so loudly and with such force that with every beat your body trembles.
I get this feeling a lot.
It can happen when I think Matt and our relationship, it can happen when I'm reading a really good book, it can happen when I'm really embarassed or when I'm reprimanded unfairly. It happens whenever I fly and the plane takes off, or during turbulence. It happens whenever I feel someone staring at me or I think someone is looking at me and thinking, "What a loser." It happens when I speak up and refuse to back down.
It can even happen to me when I'm simply sitting in quiet.
I know. Why do you care what anyone thinks?
Let's just be honest. We all care what everyone thinks of us, no matter how much it pains us to admit it.
It's almost tortorous to for me to admit.
I lie.
It is torture. Mostly because I pride myself on being, or pretending to be, tough...flighty...as if nothing you, or you, or you could ever hurt me. and if it does you would never know it.
Let's just come clean here and say that I care a little too much what some people think of me.
People who crave attention don't always get it. People who crave it and nurture that craving?
They get it.
I don't have the energy to nurture that craving, and is that why I am where I am?
Am I simply in a desperate quest for unfaltering and almost idolistic attention?
Yea.
We're all there.
Maybe this is why I never faired well in relationships and to be honest some friendships. I always tell myself, "I have such an eclectic group of friends. How awesome."
But the truth is I am friends with amazing people that are like me in a lot of ways but more importantly NOTHING like me.
I am comforted by being an outsider.
I am comforted by being different.
and if I am just "some guy", or "normal" to you... well let's just say it isn't pretty.
I share a birthday with James Dean. A friend of mine once read me a quote a friend had said about him that rang so true in my ear.. and while I can't remember the quote verbatim it was something to effect of him saying James was the kind of person who wanted to be known by everyone. He wanted to be famous, yet he wanted to be invisible.
...hm.
Thanks friend.
I'm floating around right now. Waiting, and looking for that something that will make me feel what I'm needing to feel. and when I find it, everyone will know it.
I'll make sure of it.
So what are your vices?
Think about it.
What are you not ready to admit about yourself?
go ahead, you'll probably like yourself a lot more. and I'll probably like you a little more too.
...
KIDDING.
geez.
: ]
I get red in the face. Have you ever had that feeling?
When you get so anxious, so overcome with anxiety, anger, jealousy or even joy where you feel your blood pressure literally rising. You feel your cheeks tingle with heat and your ears start to ring. Your heart seems to pump so loudly and with such force that with every beat your body trembles.
I get this feeling a lot.
It can happen when I think Matt and our relationship, it can happen when I'm reading a really good book, it can happen when I'm really embarassed or when I'm reprimanded unfairly. It happens whenever I fly and the plane takes off, or during turbulence. It happens whenever I feel someone staring at me or I think someone is looking at me and thinking, "What a loser." It happens when I speak up and refuse to back down.
It can even happen to me when I'm simply sitting in quiet.
I know. Why do you care what anyone thinks?
Let's just be honest. We all care what everyone thinks of us, no matter how much it pains us to admit it.
It's almost tortorous to for me to admit.
I lie.
It is torture. Mostly because I pride myself on being, or pretending to be, tough...flighty...as if nothing you, or you, or you could ever hurt me. and if it does you would never know it.
Let's just come clean here and say that I care a little too much what some people think of me.
People who crave attention don't always get it. People who crave it and nurture that craving?
They get it.
I don't have the energy to nurture that craving, and is that why I am where I am?
Am I simply in a desperate quest for unfaltering and almost idolistic attention?
Yea.
We're all there.
Maybe this is why I never faired well in relationships and to be honest some friendships. I always tell myself, "I have such an eclectic group of friends. How awesome."
But the truth is I am friends with amazing people that are like me in a lot of ways but more importantly NOTHING like me.
I am comforted by being an outsider.
I am comforted by being different.
and if I am just "some guy", or "normal" to you... well let's just say it isn't pretty.
I share a birthday with James Dean. A friend of mine once read me a quote a friend had said about him that rang so true in my ear.. and while I can't remember the quote verbatim it was something to effect of him saying James was the kind of person who wanted to be known by everyone. He wanted to be famous, yet he wanted to be invisible.
...hm.
Thanks friend.
I'm floating around right now. Waiting, and looking for that something that will make me feel what I'm needing to feel. and when I find it, everyone will know it.
I'll make sure of it.
So what are your vices?
Think about it.
What are you not ready to admit about yourself?
go ahead, you'll probably like yourself a lot more. and I'll probably like you a little more too.
...
KIDDING.
geez.
: ]
Saturday, May 19, 2007
"If you think you love isn't found on the radio"
It's day two that David is gone. :(
I finally cleaned the apartment. David had to leave for Nashville in a rush, so it was kinda messy. Not now. It looks mighty good. Smells good too. lol
So.
Since David dyed my hair old man grey/silver, I've had so many people (regulars and new comers) compliment it! It makes me smile because I kid you not, all the people who said they liked it, is older than 35. It's amazing. Even all my co-workers love it. They said it looks natural and fits me well. Thank you Davie!!
I've been working a lot recently so it's good to have tomorrow off. I get to sleep in and watch my shows at night and then I can say, "yay! baby's coming home tomorrow!" lol UGH I just miss him so much. I'm sleeping on his side because I feel his energy still there and I have my laptop open with iPhoto with this photo of him so I have this "illusion" of him lying in bed with me. I know it's cheesy, but it works. It's good medicine.
Then in just under 2 weeks, both of us are going back home to Dallas for my braces appointment to catch up with old friends. That should be fun. I can't wait.
Well Baby, it's almost June 5th.
You know what that is.
I finally cleaned the apartment. David had to leave for Nashville in a rush, so it was kinda messy. Not now. It looks mighty good. Smells good too. lol
So.
Since David dyed my hair old man grey/silver, I've had so many people (regulars and new comers) compliment it! It makes me smile because I kid you not, all the people who said they liked it, is older than 35. It's amazing. Even all my co-workers love it. They said it looks natural and fits me well. Thank you Davie!!
I've been working a lot recently so it's good to have tomorrow off. I get to sleep in and watch my shows at night and then I can say, "yay! baby's coming home tomorrow!" lol UGH I just miss him so much. I'm sleeping on his side because I feel his energy still there and I have my laptop open with iPhoto with this photo of him so I have this "illusion" of him lying in bed with me. I know it's cheesy, but it works. It's good medicine.
Then in just under 2 weeks, both of us are going back home to Dallas for my braces appointment to catch up with old friends. That should be fun. I can't wait.
Well Baby, it's almost June 5th.
You know what that is.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Buying A Nectarine.
May 16, 2007
10:56a
It’s been a while. And once again, our Internet is down so I figured it’s a good enough excuse to write. I’ve been procrastinating to write my thoughts down and I have the day off so why not right?
I can’t believe it’s already May. It seems like the other day it was March or something. Still working at starbucks (going on 5 months!), making more and more new friends, and planning my two-year with David!
11:47p
So here I am, sitting here watching Will & Grace waiting for David to come home from work, (he did Kasey’s hair for money) so he had to stay late. I was really looking forward to us having dinner. We only have one more night together until he goes to Nashville. He leaves Friday morning and doesn’t come home until Monday night. ☹ Soo I had dinner all planned out: breaded chicken, rice and bread. He said his original plans were to say “no” and to come home and eat with me. Well, I have to open tomorrow so I have to wake up at 3:45a to catch the 4:44a train. So I ordered Chinese, watched ANTM and LOST and now here I am, lying in bed waiting for him.
Good news though. After a series of dying, and re-dying, my hair is silver. It’s actually pretty amazing. I wanted something different and fun for summer this year. So I’m like this metallic silver. It’s awesome. I have a few scars and blisters on the side of my head, but it’s all good. Pain is beauty…or is it beauty is pain?? Who knows. Check it out regardless.
So David just got home and I’m ready to drink my mystic water and crash.
I’m so dead.
Here’s to me.
10:56a
It’s been a while. And once again, our Internet is down so I figured it’s a good enough excuse to write. I’ve been procrastinating to write my thoughts down and I have the day off so why not right?
I can’t believe it’s already May. It seems like the other day it was March or something. Still working at starbucks (going on 5 months!), making more and more new friends, and planning my two-year with David!
11:47p
So here I am, sitting here watching Will & Grace waiting for David to come home from work, (he did Kasey’s hair for money) so he had to stay late. I was really looking forward to us having dinner. We only have one more night together until he goes to Nashville. He leaves Friday morning and doesn’t come home until Monday night. ☹ Soo I had dinner all planned out: breaded chicken, rice and bread. He said his original plans were to say “no” and to come home and eat with me. Well, I have to open tomorrow so I have to wake up at 3:45a to catch the 4:44a train. So I ordered Chinese, watched ANTM and LOST and now here I am, lying in bed waiting for him.
Good news though. After a series of dying, and re-dying, my hair is silver. It’s actually pretty amazing. I wanted something different and fun for summer this year. So I’m like this metallic silver. It’s awesome. I have a few scars and blisters on the side of my head, but it’s all good. Pain is beauty…or is it beauty is pain?? Who knows. Check it out regardless.
So David just got home and I’m ready to drink my mystic water and crash.
I’m so dead.
Here’s to me.
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