Stories Pt. I

So I'm on the phone with a friend and he tells me that he has something to confess to me. Pretending to not be alarmed, I secretly have this gut feeling that it's something about me or towards me and that I'm looking at this from all angles. He tells me that this whole time, his hair has been fake. That he wears a toupe and that he wanted to tell me asap. So for the longest time, I'm sitting here, jaw wide open trying not to laugh because that's pretty dang funny. Took me a while to figure out that he's a pretty good liar, actor, whatever and that he's just pulling my leg. Crazy, I'm trying to be less gullible as I usually am, but ::shakes fist in air:: I gave in. LOL

::deep sigh:: My trip to Dallas is coming to an end and I'm actually excited. If you've been keeping tabs to my previous notes, you would know that by now I should be curled up somewhere going insane about not being in school. I think that FIT has the longest break and should shorten it up a bit. It's too long. But maybe I'm just impatient, because I'm going through this phase where I want to be greedy and do all things dealing with fashion. Sitting in fine arts, I find myself thinking, "OH! I'm good with my graphic sense, maybe I should see what fashion illustration is like" and then that branches off to "well if I can do that, I want to design my dream gown: silk-chiffon with tulle and what not with a killer heel". We all know that if I'm going to have killer heels it makes me want to go to accessories because I've been to NoHo plenty of times to the one and only shoe store because it's any gay man's dream. Think about it, you can make any heel, any size and any fabric to make it. So I'm going a little insane with this 50 degree weather knowing that New York is in a deep freeze and I just want to be in that ice city going to school dreaming about whatever all in my fine arts class.

UGH.

Mmm, this reminds me of why I think I love fashion so much. Ohh this is rich, I have a story for you. Okay so growing up I tried to lead the "boyish" life that most only child-absent father tries to live. I had my old school nintendo and upgraded to a sega and even though my mom was anti-secular "anything" she bent backwards all in the name of boyhood. I even tried soccer and let me tell you, I never kicked a ball once. Soccer slowly, no, quickly to gymnastics and let me tell you, between learning piano and a little spanish, I was flipping and cartwheeling and being gay as any 6-7 year old can be. So, one day I was sitting in my room of our "enormous" two-story apartment in downtown Dallas (which I thought was big because I've always been little, so at age 6 - it was a castle) and I was trying to fix this old transmitter that was under my bed pretending that I heard E.T. say my name or that some lost pilot was S.O.S(ing) and that's when the damage hit. My mom's closet was open and there they were, here 4 1/2" heels were screaming my name and I was instantly hooked. So set aside that I was 6 and a gymnist, I'm now twirling around in my moms closet in a pair of heels. Next, I grabbed this skirt and tied it with a belt or shoelace or something at my chest and even tied there, it was a full-length gown on me. Remember, I've always been little. So after being caught twice, I learned that I this is what I should NOT be doing. I just started twirling in my closet. Wow, if no one in my family knew I was gay then..there were plenty of sign in the years to come. Helloo, the sharpied "naughty parts" on all my step-sisters ken dolls..but that's another story for another time..

So I guess all this storytime started with that confession over the phone over a toupe. :)

Wow, I am so gay.

Trying To Distract Myself From The Man.

Trying to distract myself from the man who is probably the reincarnation of the devil himself.

Thanks to him, my mother's items are going to be auctioned off in the matter of days - unless I come up with $170. Now you can call that stress. No more trying to study the day of, no more running for the train that specifically comes at 4:44am and it's now 4:50a. This is stress. We all know that I'm not anywhere near NY and that I can't just negotiate with the man I used to love - He really screwed me over. People wonder why I "tense my eyebrows" and that's probably why I'll always have those 3 creases on my forehead. My stress level is out the roof. The only thing keeping me from going insane is the fact that I write. I'm open about most things which is now that I realize, a wonderful trait to carry. I'm not afraid to hold back how I really feel or embrace the feelings or thoughts that come to my mind. But really, I've learned my lesson with fighting with words. It always comes back 10x worse, and hits me harder because he's an excellent writer. I could write a pamphlet and he'll send a novel.

I'm sorry. This is my mother's stuff. How are are you going to NOW tell me that you've been 2 months behind on storage "rent". How are you going to tell me that NOW knowing that I won't return to the city 'til the 25th. That it's my problem now how to figure out how to salvage the last of my stuff from Dallas, the last of my mom's stuff, the last of ME in the matter of days. And for you to be sitting in your new apartment with all MY furnishings knowing that what you did...you know I can't take back any of that furniture, you thought I'd have a better life in the dorms. And refusing to pay me for anything you took...sure why not throw in paying the storage. Fuck the ex-boyfriend. Fuck his deceased mom's things that are on the other side of the island. Fuck Matt.

I just want to know, am I that kind of person that deserves this kind of behavior. Is this God's or someone in the stars' revenge for all the things I've done? Is it that easy to be cruel. Either that, or it just comes natural. I'm not sure.

Just know that the mother you refuse to call back or show affection to, I'm the one sitting with her over coffee and lunch - talking, laughing and hoping (praying) that maybe someday. She's like the mom I never had. Well at least she still loves you.

Never again.

I will say that even though I have every right to be upset and outraged, I'm not going to be. I remember saying around this time last year, that it's all about 2007. It's going to be an amazing year and even though it turned out to be worst year of my life, I'm not going to let this guy ruin 2008 for me. This is not foreshadowing my year, nor will I let it. If he wants my furniture and dishes and pots/pans and bed and anything that is mine...let him keep it. It will be a forever reminder of who he was with and who loved him with every bone in his body. Let him feel surrounded by things of someone he will never see again. And that my friends, is what 2008 is alllll about. It's all about growing up, moving on and finding out who YOU are. So all I can say is you screwwwwed me Will Truman!! lol

:P

...make it funny

Something Random.

How amazing is Golden Girls.

I know I know, laugh it up but I bet you that if you were to sit down after a long day of work you'll probably get hooked. And no, not because your brain is already dead but because it's a "feel-good" show. It's so outdated and the furniture and music is so tastefully tacky, that's a few of the reasons why I get hooked. How ridiculous Dorothy's clothes are or how they can get away with so many dirty inside jokes when it comes to Blanche. I think it's amazing because they seriously talk about every topic, every issue known to the average guy/girl and I think it's great because anyone (especially in the gay community) could probably relate themselves to Blanche yet alone quote every line she says haha. Well I think I could go on and on with why I love the show but that's not why I'm writing.

I think it's funny how we don't give strangers enough credit for actually being nice. Tonight at dinner this guy was making eye contact with me for the longest time, so when we finally exchanged words we ended up talking about how cold it was and how I was from Dallas and it never gets this cold in TX. He and I talked about what we were eating and how healthier, yet appetizing the food was and that led us to New Year's resolutions. I told him I wanted to go Organic or something similar and that I was tired of being unhealthy. That I guess I jumped in a resolution that all of New York (or anywhere in the U.S.) has mentally said they want to do for 2008. After making a cute, "I don't think you have a problem" (while eating carbs) it was nice to know that I was making small talk with a total stranger yet not having any sign of awkwardness. He told me that his resolution was to write in his journal more. We both joked around about how we hate handwriting in journals and how it's all about computers now and that's true. I've transferred all my journals from my childhood to present to blogger. I've combined everything I have to one journal so I can keep track of my memories. It's nice to have everything organized. Maybe though, I'm so tempted to print everything from 1998 to now because I want to close this chapter of my life. 3-ring this shit and just not worry about it. We'll see. He was just nice and maybe it was just another innocent flirting encounter, but I enjoyed myself talking to someone I didn't know.

I think the shy Mathew is no longer shy shy. I've opened up so much that sometimes I get caught up in forgetting that I once was so introverted, but now I applaud the person I have become.

p.s. who knew that the L Train has all the cuties...who knew

Here's To Me, Ya'll.

Hm, one thing I forgot that I loved is chocolate-covered raisins. Sitting here in front of me, is a rectangular shaped ceramic dish with handfuls of them. I quickly thought "don't, it's the beginning of the new year" but I threw that out the window considering I have one more day. Wow...so good.

Time literally seems to be moving a lot quicker than I have ever seen it move. It seems like yesterday I was decorating my tree in Washington Heights and planning my 2007 resolution(s) and getting everything ready for school that would start mid-year. With 2008 only a day away, I keep thinking I have all this "time" to do whatever I want, when in reality, I don't have time for anything or to do anything for that matter. But yesterday was nice because even though I was super busy, I got to hang out with people I really enjoy spending time with. It was nice to just relax and swap stories over dinner and plan our next outing and talk about random things. It makes me wonder, if I'm having all this fun now..I wonder what will come in 2008? We were talking about what has 2007 brought us and if we have accomplished anything planned or unexpected and that was a good question. I know there's the obvious, which is we all got into FIT and survived the first semester, but what really have I accomplished in 2007?

Well I'd like to go back and pull through my brain to see what I can find. I was still in a relationship then and even though it was a roller-coaster ride relationship, I had that luxury of calling him "baby" and going on "mini-dates" and taking advantage of as much personal time as possible. Now, being single has made me step outside "the love box" and ask myself what really makes a relationship work? Do you follow your heart? Do you go by the stars and signs or go with what your friends think? Parents? I don't know, but I think that 2007's relationship has made me grateful for what I'm capable of doing. Especially when it involves another human. Another year, another relationship. Wrong. 2008 is all about me and starting over. Learning from my mistakes, growing from my past and just enjoying me. I'm not here to please someone else (chris get your mind out of the gutter! lol) and we all know I've been straddling the fence with fine arts/fashion illustration so this year will be about me and me trying to find out what I really want to do at FIT. Well, where my talent really lies.

But 2007 has also been kind and introduced new friendships and memories that I can't let go unnoticed. I've been an endless bond with girls and boys at FIT which is the best feeling in the world. Friends you can fight with and go out for coffee the next hour with, or girls who I can just curl their hair "just because". I enjoy that feeling of being called up just to know if she should go with "the wedge or the heel". Always the heel...always. Boy talk is something that I've wanted to have for a long time. Coming out of a 3 year relationship with someone and being so young, I missed out on the guy talk that seems to be crucial in my sub-culture. I never had guy friends that we could just talk and "gossip" so-to-speak on their encounter with the cutie on the 2 train. haha. I can step back and cross that off my list of things to accomplish in 2007.

So overall I had a crazy year, but I'm thankful for everything and everyone that has left their fingerprints on my year making me who I am today. 2008 is going to be big and better. I have a surprise for everyone next semester (which is the kickoff for my year that's for sure) and I can't wait to see everyone.

Someone asked me what is my New Year's resolution, and sure I can work out eat a salad, but this year is all about me and me trying something new. Going vegetarian or organic or switching milks or going somewhere where I would never see myself going. Maybe even dating?!? Or try something I would never ever eat or be adventurous and do something scandalous. lol Not sure, but I'm ready for a new style, new friends, new encounters and above all I'm ready to start a new year. ::shakes head::

Here's to me ya'll.

The Day Before.

Crazy.

I don't even know where to begin. Has it really been another year? I could've sworn I was sitting in Apt #835 looking out the window from the window in my living room imagining what life would be like a year from then. I applied for Fine Arts too early, so I wasn't looking forward to doing nothing for a year in New York City. I was job searching I know that much, and my New Year's Resolution was to A.) Lose weight and B.) Get a job. I succeeded with both. Weighing at 146.5, you could tell in my face that I was over-weight and being jobless with nothing but a dog and boyfriend to tend to, could drive any man crazy. Now, being Christmas Eve, I look back at the "Fat-Shots" I have and proud to say that I weigh 127.5(ish) close to 128 lbs. I look and feel great, and I have some serious toning to do, but at least the pounds are gone. Now as for my job, I ended getting my job at starbucks (as you all know by now because you party animals frequently see me leave the dorms at 4:30AM when you guys are just getting home from your fun) January 25, 2006 so I also achieved the "job-hunt" by getting a job before the end of January. So now I have held that job for almost a year and that too, feels great. A little stressful at times, because I'm in the process of becoming a shift (which doesn't mean more authority, but more responsibility) and let me just tell you, even though it's just starbucks, we get some crazy-ass people - especially in New York.

So another year, another Christmas. I remember last year, it was a wild time in my life. I might have been the cause of a ruined Christmas and an awkward New Year's. I don't want to say I was immature - maybe I was and didn't know it. I tried to fix things that I wasn't sure could be fixed to begin with. In my head, it was all about making sure the apartment had the lingering scent of pumpkin spice, Christmas music was playing in the background, and that each present I purchased was wrapped and placed perfectly under the tree as if Martha Stewart placed it there herself. Wow. I don't know what I was thinking then. Life was a bubble, or maybe I masked my life so intensely that I wasn't noticing how I was living my life. Sure, reading this you're probably thinking, "what sounds so bad about that?" but there's so many gaps I'm leaving out because it hurts to write about the details. I just know that this time last year, was not a good time for me. Or him. I feel constant guilt, maybe because I knew I was part guilty of things I said and things I did. Maybe because it's Christmas and it's my first Christmas alone. Not sure. I'm not going to bash anyone, or throw a pity party for myself because I'm alone for Christmas this year, instead I'm honoring the good memories, the good feelings and the fact that I've been given a handful of friends to start my new life with. That's what Christmas is all about. I'm sorry for anything I did but at the same time, I'm thankful that it all happened for I am who I am today because of it. Through the tears and laughter and everything in between, I can finally sit back and just center myself and you want to know a secret? I am enjoying this alone time. No worries, no stress, no drama...no nothing. :)

I'm starting to become humble with my life, and what's been thrown at me. I've even had my share of fun, because when life throws lemons at you, you know I grabbed some silver patron and partied it up the only way I know how. I'm young, I'm alive and I have some really exciting paths coming my way at FIT. With the semester coming up at the end of January, I'm going to have a jam-packed schedule, on top of my work schedule, which means that I will have zero social life. I'll find a way. I always do.

Being so far from home has made me evolve into someone I never thought I could become. I've experienced things that I was totally against in the past, and I've definitely had this attitude now where life is too short to think about the future and worry about the "what-ifs". I know that I'm my own mentor, my own friend and at times, my own lover lol. I'm the only one who knows everything that sets me off, turns me on and gets things done. I AM ME has been playing on my iPod for the past couple weeks. Mainly because, well let's face it, Ashlee Simpson's second cd was good. That's some good shit. lol ::shakes head:: Wow I'm weird.

Mmm..cinnamon-raison bagels are calling my name and then a little nap would be great. Lord knows I'm about 3 days behind on my sleeping schedule so for Christmas, I would like to get caught up. That and Prada slip-ons would be nice. Where is my sugar-daddy when I need him??

Merry Christmas everyone and please have a wonderful Christmas and a killer New Year's and I look forward to seeing you all next semester. Let's do lunch or coffee when I get back and catch up?! Deal?

Ciao!

Do I have words to describe how I feel?

So it's been a wild semester.

The good news, is that I've only wanted to throw up the white flag maybe once...okay twice. My color theory homework was a drag, so many "mini-assignments" that take forever...2 oil paintings 20x30 turned in by today, 3D sculptures, 3D cut outs. Lots of sketches and "reviews". 3 finals - 2 down, one more today. And still trying to keep my social life. I've met so many people. So many friends, so many personalities. I've made so many memories and they just don't stop.

I must admit I'm a little homesick. It was very nice to be home over Thanksgiving break, and as much as I loved spending time with my friends, I would've enjoyed spending more time with my Aunt and Uncle and two cousins. My birthday was amazing, and thank you to all that left me those comments, it was nice to sign on the next day with "50-something notifications". Come on, you all enjoy getting them. :) It was just nice to get away from the city. The city has made me evolve into someone I'm sure about. I've lived her for almost 3 years and it's definitely made me a stronger person. I knew all along that I was a city boy. I've always looked at my life like the story mom would read me about the country mouse and the city mouse...I was the city mouse, hands down.

So I saw David the other day and I amost forgot the feelings he gives me. He reminded me that it's almost been 3 months, and I usually am good with dates because you all know I live my life through my planner, but I guess I've been so busy I lost track of time. It almost slipped away, and not that that is a bad thing but it was just weird to think that I forgot something so important. It's good that I've gone through so much just within these 6 months..I've even had to share my "situations" with others to help them and that is such a good feeling. That feeling of accomplishment and the attitude of, "Hey! I'm still here! I'm still alive and life has moved on!" I've also noticed that meeting all these people, girls and boys of all ages, that I'm starting to surround myself with people that really catch my interest. I'm getting aggitated with people who basically wear masks and here at FIT that's pretty common. The truth is that I'm only sinched at the waist with people who have the same interest of drawing or mohawks - Nothing else. At least in my book.

Well all my hard work has paid off because I'm still managing to work part time at starbucks and being a full-time student is no walk in the park. Next semester only gets harder from here. I'm adding a few more courses and I'll be going to school Monday-Friday and still managing to work a full "part-time" schedule. To be honest, I'm pumped. I can't wait to get more advanced and to sharpen my talent in everything fine arts. I put myself in a different block so I could broaden my classmates so I can see other styles, other personalities and other professors. I can't wait, that's all I have to say.

So how do I have words to describe how I feel? Well hopefully I just did.

Why I love Nina Azzarello.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Don't Procrastinate

If I could offer you once piece of advice, it would be this: Don’t procrastinate.

Stop staying up until some unreasonable hour, say 3:00 in the morning, writing a paper due the following day. Tell yourself you’ll never be so foolish again. Even though next Sunday night, you can bet that you’ll procrastinate ‘till 4.

Party on weeknights. Hey, you only live once. Convince your friends they’ll wake up fine for their 8:00 in the morning classes.

Resist the urge to take a nap in your 8:00 in the morning classes. If you do, you’ll want to position your head directly behind the persons in front of you. Nestle your forehead in the palm of your hand. Pretend like your simply trying to scratch that uncontrollable itch on the top of your head. If you manage to wake up without a stiff neck, tell me how.

Pay attention in Art History. Actually, never mind. Don’t.

Try not to get distracted in your computer class. It’s an incredible feat if you manage to get through it without logging into your facebook at least 4 times.

Get a facebook to make college friends. Delete your myspace if you want to get rid of your high school ones. Understand that picture comments are not as important as you think. Don’t get too excited when a 22-year-old male model from the south of France requests you to be his friend. Learn, through experience, that his name is actually Harold; he’s 57, feeds of raspberry glazed Krispy Kreemes and walks in the nude at least 6 hours out of the day.

Eat Krispy Kreeme doughnuts. They’re orgasmic. If you find any other food nearly as heavenly, buy me some.

Don’t think about heaven or hell too much. Heaven knows, there’s no way in hell we’ll ever really know what’s out there.

Think about alien life. Tell people you’ve seen a UFO. It makes for an interesting story.

Be a storyteller. Write about the time your haircutters eyebrows were burned off in some freak Ramen noodle microwave accident.

Don’t be afraid to cut your hair. Don’t cry when you decide to cut it. Sure, the hair flip is quite possibly the woman’s most powerful tool. But never underestimate the power of the Victoria Beckham bob.

Hate Victoria Beckham for getting to David before you did. Understand that David Beckham is an egotistical jerk.

Sing to the Spice Girls like its 1999.

Spice up your life by eating chips and salsa. Put on a sombrero while doing so. You’ll feel exotic.

Learn to speak Spanish. It’s useful. Eat Spanish food. It’s tasty. Date Spanish men. They’re tasty too.

The Spanish word for boy is “esse.” Use it all the time, in every context, in every sentence just because it sounds kinda funny.

Write an entire essay about nothing particularly important with topics ranging from alien life to David Beckham. Realize that this essay might just be the most productive, outstanding results your procrastinating.

-Nina Azzarello

Masquerade

A Masked Ball in Honor of the New Galleries for Oceanic Art and the Art of Native North America

November 15, 2007
8:00 p.m.–11:00 p.m.
Free with Museum admission

Come celebrate the cultures represented by the new galleries through the shared tradition of masks, shell beading, and dance. The evening will include music from around the world, food, tours, live performances, and more!
The Fall Party is free and open to all college students. Please bring your current valid student i.d. For more information, or to R.S.V.P., email metcollegegroup@metmuseum.org.

Observation.

a ledge outside the 'a building'
elevated pillars give the illusion of a castle, but no
a campus in nyc
where streets go through my campus
groups of kids congregate, socialize, gossip, laugh
the air smells crisp
very cold
32 people outside walking - maybe more
the sun is setting, gloomy
the cute guy, probably in his mid-30s giving me the half smile while walking towards 7th ave
my butt is cold on this concrete
a brief scent of cigarette smoke
an older man with sunglasses on his cell phone sitting on campus
the cute little girl jumping on the black statue in front of the 'a building'
a couple laughing and talking a bout randomness, all layered up
probably warm
how good my plain bagel is with peanut butter
this girl in a fabulous 3/4 length coat greeting a friend on the bench
hugging and kissing twice on the cheek
the elderly woman walking two cute puppies each with their own uniue pep i their step
gust of wind giving my spine goosebumps
looking up at the high rises across the street - wondering how that terrace on the 15th floor is someones backyard or secret garden
britney's 'toy soldier' is on repeat in my head

I Love FIT.