Here's To Me, Ya'll.

Hm, one thing I forgot that I loved is chocolate-covered raisins. Sitting here in front of me, is a rectangular shaped ceramic dish with handfuls of them. I quickly thought "don't, it's the beginning of the new year" but I threw that out the window considering I have one more day. Wow...so good.

Time literally seems to be moving a lot quicker than I have ever seen it move. It seems like yesterday I was decorating my tree in Washington Heights and planning my 2007 resolution(s) and getting everything ready for school that would start mid-year. With 2008 only a day away, I keep thinking I have all this "time" to do whatever I want, when in reality, I don't have time for anything or to do anything for that matter. But yesterday was nice because even though I was super busy, I got to hang out with people I really enjoy spending time with. It was nice to just relax and swap stories over dinner and plan our next outing and talk about random things. It makes me wonder, if I'm having all this fun now..I wonder what will come in 2008? We were talking about what has 2007 brought us and if we have accomplished anything planned or unexpected and that was a good question. I know there's the obvious, which is we all got into FIT and survived the first semester, but what really have I accomplished in 2007?

Well I'd like to go back and pull through my brain to see what I can find. I was still in a relationship then and even though it was a roller-coaster ride relationship, I had that luxury of calling him "baby" and going on "mini-dates" and taking advantage of as much personal time as possible. Now, being single has made me step outside "the love box" and ask myself what really makes a relationship work? Do you follow your heart? Do you go by the stars and signs or go with what your friends think? Parents? I don't know, but I think that 2007's relationship has made me grateful for what I'm capable of doing. Especially when it involves another human. Another year, another relationship. Wrong. 2008 is all about me and starting over. Learning from my mistakes, growing from my past and just enjoying me. I'm not here to please someone else (chris get your mind out of the gutter! lol) and we all know I've been straddling the fence with fine arts/fashion illustration so this year will be about me and me trying to find out what I really want to do at FIT. Well, where my talent really lies.

But 2007 has also been kind and introduced new friendships and memories that I can't let go unnoticed. I've been an endless bond with girls and boys at FIT which is the best feeling in the world. Friends you can fight with and go out for coffee the next hour with, or girls who I can just curl their hair "just because". I enjoy that feeling of being called up just to know if she should go with "the wedge or the heel". Always the heel...always. Boy talk is something that I've wanted to have for a long time. Coming out of a 3 year relationship with someone and being so young, I missed out on the guy talk that seems to be crucial in my sub-culture. I never had guy friends that we could just talk and "gossip" so-to-speak on their encounter with the cutie on the 2 train. haha. I can step back and cross that off my list of things to accomplish in 2007.

So overall I had a crazy year, but I'm thankful for everything and everyone that has left their fingerprints on my year making me who I am today. 2008 is going to be big and better. I have a surprise for everyone next semester (which is the kickoff for my year that's for sure) and I can't wait to see everyone.

Someone asked me what is my New Year's resolution, and sure I can work out eat a salad, but this year is all about me and me trying something new. Going vegetarian or organic or switching milks or going somewhere where I would never see myself going. Maybe even dating?!? Or try something I would never ever eat or be adventurous and do something scandalous. lol Not sure, but I'm ready for a new style, new friends, new encounters and above all I'm ready to start a new year. ::shakes head::

Here's to me ya'll.

The Day Before.

Crazy.

I don't even know where to begin. Has it really been another year? I could've sworn I was sitting in Apt #835 looking out the window from the window in my living room imagining what life would be like a year from then. I applied for Fine Arts too early, so I wasn't looking forward to doing nothing for a year in New York City. I was job searching I know that much, and my New Year's Resolution was to A.) Lose weight and B.) Get a job. I succeeded with both. Weighing at 146.5, you could tell in my face that I was over-weight and being jobless with nothing but a dog and boyfriend to tend to, could drive any man crazy. Now, being Christmas Eve, I look back at the "Fat-Shots" I have and proud to say that I weigh 127.5(ish) close to 128 lbs. I look and feel great, and I have some serious toning to do, but at least the pounds are gone. Now as for my job, I ended getting my job at starbucks (as you all know by now because you party animals frequently see me leave the dorms at 4:30AM when you guys are just getting home from your fun) January 25, 2006 so I also achieved the "job-hunt" by getting a job before the end of January. So now I have held that job for almost a year and that too, feels great. A little stressful at times, because I'm in the process of becoming a shift (which doesn't mean more authority, but more responsibility) and let me just tell you, even though it's just starbucks, we get some crazy-ass people - especially in New York.

So another year, another Christmas. I remember last year, it was a wild time in my life. I might have been the cause of a ruined Christmas and an awkward New Year's. I don't want to say I was immature - maybe I was and didn't know it. I tried to fix things that I wasn't sure could be fixed to begin with. In my head, it was all about making sure the apartment had the lingering scent of pumpkin spice, Christmas music was playing in the background, and that each present I purchased was wrapped and placed perfectly under the tree as if Martha Stewart placed it there herself. Wow. I don't know what I was thinking then. Life was a bubble, or maybe I masked my life so intensely that I wasn't noticing how I was living my life. Sure, reading this you're probably thinking, "what sounds so bad about that?" but there's so many gaps I'm leaving out because it hurts to write about the details. I just know that this time last year, was not a good time for me. Or him. I feel constant guilt, maybe because I knew I was part guilty of things I said and things I did. Maybe because it's Christmas and it's my first Christmas alone. Not sure. I'm not going to bash anyone, or throw a pity party for myself because I'm alone for Christmas this year, instead I'm honoring the good memories, the good feelings and the fact that I've been given a handful of friends to start my new life with. That's what Christmas is all about. I'm sorry for anything I did but at the same time, I'm thankful that it all happened for I am who I am today because of it. Through the tears and laughter and everything in between, I can finally sit back and just center myself and you want to know a secret? I am enjoying this alone time. No worries, no stress, no drama...no nothing. :)

I'm starting to become humble with my life, and what's been thrown at me. I've even had my share of fun, because when life throws lemons at you, you know I grabbed some silver patron and partied it up the only way I know how. I'm young, I'm alive and I have some really exciting paths coming my way at FIT. With the semester coming up at the end of January, I'm going to have a jam-packed schedule, on top of my work schedule, which means that I will have zero social life. I'll find a way. I always do.

Being so far from home has made me evolve into someone I never thought I could become. I've experienced things that I was totally against in the past, and I've definitely had this attitude now where life is too short to think about the future and worry about the "what-ifs". I know that I'm my own mentor, my own friend and at times, my own lover lol. I'm the only one who knows everything that sets me off, turns me on and gets things done. I AM ME has been playing on my iPod for the past couple weeks. Mainly because, well let's face it, Ashlee Simpson's second cd was good. That's some good shit. lol ::shakes head:: Wow I'm weird.

Mmm..cinnamon-raison bagels are calling my name and then a little nap would be great. Lord knows I'm about 3 days behind on my sleeping schedule so for Christmas, I would like to get caught up. That and Prada slip-ons would be nice. Where is my sugar-daddy when I need him??

Merry Christmas everyone and please have a wonderful Christmas and a killer New Year's and I look forward to seeing you all next semester. Let's do lunch or coffee when I get back and catch up?! Deal?

Ciao!

Do I have words to describe how I feel?

So it's been a wild semester.

The good news, is that I've only wanted to throw up the white flag maybe once...okay twice. My color theory homework was a drag, so many "mini-assignments" that take forever...2 oil paintings 20x30 turned in by today, 3D sculptures, 3D cut outs. Lots of sketches and "reviews". 3 finals - 2 down, one more today. And still trying to keep my social life. I've met so many people. So many friends, so many personalities. I've made so many memories and they just don't stop.

I must admit I'm a little homesick. It was very nice to be home over Thanksgiving break, and as much as I loved spending time with my friends, I would've enjoyed spending more time with my Aunt and Uncle and two cousins. My birthday was amazing, and thank you to all that left me those comments, it was nice to sign on the next day with "50-something notifications". Come on, you all enjoy getting them. :) It was just nice to get away from the city. The city has made me evolve into someone I'm sure about. I've lived her for almost 3 years and it's definitely made me a stronger person. I knew all along that I was a city boy. I've always looked at my life like the story mom would read me about the country mouse and the city mouse...I was the city mouse, hands down.

So I saw David the other day and I amost forgot the feelings he gives me. He reminded me that it's almost been 3 months, and I usually am good with dates because you all know I live my life through my planner, but I guess I've been so busy I lost track of time. It almost slipped away, and not that that is a bad thing but it was just weird to think that I forgot something so important. It's good that I've gone through so much just within these 6 months..I've even had to share my "situations" with others to help them and that is such a good feeling. That feeling of accomplishment and the attitude of, "Hey! I'm still here! I'm still alive and life has moved on!" I've also noticed that meeting all these people, girls and boys of all ages, that I'm starting to surround myself with people that really catch my interest. I'm getting aggitated with people who basically wear masks and here at FIT that's pretty common. The truth is that I'm only sinched at the waist with people who have the same interest of drawing or mohawks - Nothing else. At least in my book.

Well all my hard work has paid off because I'm still managing to work part time at starbucks and being a full-time student is no walk in the park. Next semester only gets harder from here. I'm adding a few more courses and I'll be going to school Monday-Friday and still managing to work a full "part-time" schedule. To be honest, I'm pumped. I can't wait to get more advanced and to sharpen my talent in everything fine arts. I put myself in a different block so I could broaden my classmates so I can see other styles, other personalities and other professors. I can't wait, that's all I have to say.

So how do I have words to describe how I feel? Well hopefully I just did.

Why I love Nina Azzarello.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Don't Procrastinate

If I could offer you once piece of advice, it would be this: Don’t procrastinate.

Stop staying up until some unreasonable hour, say 3:00 in the morning, writing a paper due the following day. Tell yourself you’ll never be so foolish again. Even though next Sunday night, you can bet that you’ll procrastinate ‘till 4.

Party on weeknights. Hey, you only live once. Convince your friends they’ll wake up fine for their 8:00 in the morning classes.

Resist the urge to take a nap in your 8:00 in the morning classes. If you do, you’ll want to position your head directly behind the persons in front of you. Nestle your forehead in the palm of your hand. Pretend like your simply trying to scratch that uncontrollable itch on the top of your head. If you manage to wake up without a stiff neck, tell me how.

Pay attention in Art History. Actually, never mind. Don’t.

Try not to get distracted in your computer class. It’s an incredible feat if you manage to get through it without logging into your facebook at least 4 times.

Get a facebook to make college friends. Delete your myspace if you want to get rid of your high school ones. Understand that picture comments are not as important as you think. Don’t get too excited when a 22-year-old male model from the south of France requests you to be his friend. Learn, through experience, that his name is actually Harold; he’s 57, feeds of raspberry glazed Krispy Kreemes and walks in the nude at least 6 hours out of the day.

Eat Krispy Kreeme doughnuts. They’re orgasmic. If you find any other food nearly as heavenly, buy me some.

Don’t think about heaven or hell too much. Heaven knows, there’s no way in hell we’ll ever really know what’s out there.

Think about alien life. Tell people you’ve seen a UFO. It makes for an interesting story.

Be a storyteller. Write about the time your haircutters eyebrows were burned off in some freak Ramen noodle microwave accident.

Don’t be afraid to cut your hair. Don’t cry when you decide to cut it. Sure, the hair flip is quite possibly the woman’s most powerful tool. But never underestimate the power of the Victoria Beckham bob.

Hate Victoria Beckham for getting to David before you did. Understand that David Beckham is an egotistical jerk.

Sing to the Spice Girls like its 1999.

Spice up your life by eating chips and salsa. Put on a sombrero while doing so. You’ll feel exotic.

Learn to speak Spanish. It’s useful. Eat Spanish food. It’s tasty. Date Spanish men. They’re tasty too.

The Spanish word for boy is “esse.” Use it all the time, in every context, in every sentence just because it sounds kinda funny.

Write an entire essay about nothing particularly important with topics ranging from alien life to David Beckham. Realize that this essay might just be the most productive, outstanding results your procrastinating.

-Nina Azzarello

Masquerade

A Masked Ball in Honor of the New Galleries for Oceanic Art and the Art of Native North America

November 15, 2007
8:00 p.m.–11:00 p.m.
Free with Museum admission

Come celebrate the cultures represented by the new galleries through the shared tradition of masks, shell beading, and dance. The evening will include music from around the world, food, tours, live performances, and more!
The Fall Party is free and open to all college students. Please bring your current valid student i.d. For more information, or to R.S.V.P., email metcollegegroup@metmuseum.org.

Observation.

a ledge outside the 'a building'
elevated pillars give the illusion of a castle, but no
a campus in nyc
where streets go through my campus
groups of kids congregate, socialize, gossip, laugh
the air smells crisp
very cold
32 people outside walking - maybe more
the sun is setting, gloomy
the cute guy, probably in his mid-30s giving me the half smile while walking towards 7th ave
my butt is cold on this concrete
a brief scent of cigarette smoke
an older man with sunglasses on his cell phone sitting on campus
the cute little girl jumping on the black statue in front of the 'a building'
a couple laughing and talking a bout randomness, all layered up
probably warm
how good my plain bagel is with peanut butter
this girl in a fabulous 3/4 length coat greeting a friend on the bench
hugging and kissing twice on the cheek
the elderly woman walking two cute puppies each with their own uniue pep i their step
gust of wind giving my spine goosebumps
looking up at the high rises across the street - wondering how that terrace on the 15th floor is someones backyard or secret garden
britney's 'toy soldier' is on repeat in my head

I Love FIT.

Lady In Red.

without any assistance or guidance from you
i have loved you assiduously for 8 months 2 wks & a day
i have been stood up four times
i've left 7 packages on yr doorstep
forty poems 2 plants & 3 handmade notecards i left
town so i cd send to you have been no help to me
on my job
you call at 3:00 in the mornin on weekdays
so i cd drive 27 1/2 miles cross the bay before I go to work
charmin charmin
but you are of no assistance
i want you to know
that this waz an experiment
to see how selfish i cd be

if i wd really carry on to snare a possible lover
if i waz capable of debasin my self for the love of another
if i cd stand not being wanted
when i wanted to be wanted
& i cannot
so
with no further assitance & no guidance from you
i am endin this affair

this note is attached to a plant i've been waterin since the day i met you
you may water it
yr damn self

-Ntozake Shange

Wish.

It's 11:11.
Make a wish.

Boy do I have one for you.

Distraction.

I should be working on my 2D "Inspiration" piece, but I find that I'm getting distracted from my wheat thins and newly leaked "Blackout" songs from Miss Spears.

OMG, where did the time go? It seems like just the other day I was writing in this thing talking about how anxious and nervous I was about starting school...well here I am, midterms already. There's something about this time of year that always excites me, especially the fact that it's starting to get cold and that it's Thanksgiving season. My birthday falls on the exact day this year and to be honest, I'm so excited. My life is already changing but something about the big Two-One is driving me crazy. I get goosebumps everytime. I want to plan big.

So I guess I should talk a little bit about school huh. It's amazing and everything I thought it would be. I've made so many friends and I honestly love that feeling of walking down the halls and people waving and saying "hi matt" as I pass by. It's a good feeling. I love that all the guys who work in the cafeteria know my "usual meal" and start making it, followed by the guy who swipes my card who teaches me a little spanish everyday so I can be a "well-rounded bilingual student". All my professors are incredible..I have a cluster review on the 25th of this month and I'm nervous. I'm already displaying my best pieces to all my professors and peers and everyone gets to see my progress of my work thus far. I think that I've done well and successfully started to improve my skill and already I'm seeing that something is exceeding. I'm always assigned extra work to do and always asked to extend beyond what the rest of the class has to do..ending up with my work pinned on the wall for the others to see. I'm not sure how I feel about that though..I like the attention but at the same time, I have this fear of what people really feel aboout me. I get hot and sweaty and feel like my voice cracks and dips with my nerves. Speaking of which, we have public critiques daily so it helps me to forget about the nerves and just deal with it - BUT I still hate it.

Things are going okay for David and me. I mean things are so different, but our lifestyles have changed and I guess it's for the best. We still see each other once, maybe twice if we're lucky a week and do things scandalous i.e. fuck in his salon after closing hours and being naughty..lol I never ever felt like fucking like this before. I don't know if the lack of sex that we had for a while, but within 3 days, we have fucked harder and better than we ever had. It was as hot as that one time we got all dressed up for something but ended up fucking in the kitchen which ended up in the over-sized chair and ended on the bathroom floor. It was a crazy experience. I loved every minute of it. I miss him though. It's strange to me to not be in the same room as him, or even the same apartment and I always wonder if he feels the same way. He's going through so much right now with school and work that he even mentioned to me that I'm at the bottom of his priority list. He says he still loves me, but it hurts to know that deep down, he could move on without me. Nevertheless, we still hang out when both of us have the time and still have dinner and still laugh and hug and kiss and all that stuff I value in my relationship with him. I just love him so much, and I'm so proud of him, I just don't think I tell/show him enough. That needs to be a continued "new year's resolution" or something. I need to train my brain to think differently and really evaluate us. I love him a lot. I do.

Ugh, I need to shower.
I need to shave and I need to get some sleep. I have class at 9:00a. I had a doppio on ice though and I'm so WIDE AWAKE...thanks...mmmm wheat thins..

x

Something For Me To Work On.

I need to stop being so jealous.
Who cares who talks to him.
Who cares.

I do.
I'll try not not.
I don't.
I won't.

It's July 4th.
A year ago, we fought.
This year, I refuse to do it again.

Let's celebrate.
It's 2007.
I'm 21 this year.

BUT.
I need to stop being so jealous.
I get so mad that it ruins my day.

I have amazing co-workers.
So working tonight isn't going to be bad.
I just have to stop thinking about everything.

I'm going to FIT in a month 1/2!

Just Counting.

So here it is, 10:41p and it's pouring rain..based off the thunder and lightning I'd say the storm is 1 mile or so away. Feels like we're right in the eye of the storm because the rain is coming down hard. It's always so funny to watch Nikita when it thunderstorms because she gets scared so easily. Her ears go back, she shakes and she ends up going to the bathroom everywhere. I guess that part isn't funny as it is annoying, but it's funny because she knows when it's about to storm before it actually does.

I paid my dorm deposit today. And to be quite honest, it was the scariest thing I've had to do. Mainly because that was the final thread to tie up my school stuff before I start in the fall. Imagine having an established apartment, everything you own..to having to condense it for a dorm that you'll have to end up sharing with a total stranger. I guess that's the fun out of "dorm-life" but for a while now, I wasn't having it. I was determined to sign another lease with David, and just live my life like I've been doing. BUT the smartest thing to do is just that. So now, my fear has turned into excitement.

I'm officially a fine arts major. I'm so excited that I don't even know what to say. I did this all on my own and I'm surprised that everything worked out okay. I mean, don't get me wrong it was A LOT of work, but in the end..it's so worth it. Thank you David and Kashmir for helping me along the way..I know I said it before, but it needs to be said again.

My life is changing.

I'm jumping with both feet in, and just counting down the days..

Cry.

All I want to be is my disappearing self.
Is that too much to ask??

It's all bullshit.
Yeah, I know..I said it was in my last post.

waa waa waaaa.

I'm tired of it all.
I'm tired of the complaining.
The whining.
The depression.
The bitterness.

The heavy sighs.
The rolling of the eyes.

If you don't like my bulletins.
Get over it, don't read it. Don't even click the link.
If you don't like your hair.
Stop cutting it.
If you don't like your weight.
Go to the gym your friend above you wants you to join.
Or at least go walk your dog for an hour+ like Fallon.

I'm sorry I got cranky, but you said it yourself.
You were in a bad mood because you were depressed and fat.
Then they way you asked me.
I know it was a simple question, but at the moment, I was in no mood.
What did you want me to say? "Oh, no baby, I didn't get to it with all the other things I was cleaning tonight".

I was working my way around the apartment because I know you just
recently worked hard at cleaning it, so I wanted to clean up after myself.
So sorry that you hate seeing dishes in the sink so much that they should be clean before you come home.

I'm not your wife.
I don't want to be anything close to that.

ladskfja.

Sorry that I'm probably complaining...once again.
But it's just not fair. I can feel myself changing from the hair on my head all the way down to my little toes.
I'm constantly walking on eggshells and it will never be enough.

Never.

I'm tired of always "ruining your evening"
Ruining your day.
Ruining your friendships with you true friends.
Ruining us.

So let's just all cry a river.
Seems I just jumped in your boat.

Yeah I Know.

It's all bullshit.
And it really makes me unhappy to be here.














fuck.

Why Don't You Be The Light To My Day.

Can I just say that the last 24 hours have been so, so crazy I don't even know where to begin. I can say that we had the feeling something wasn't right.

Okay.

So we booked our trip to Dallas almost 3 weeks prior to our departure time thinking we'd enjoy 5 days off...my braces appointment, seeing wonderful friends, celebrating our two year in my hometown, getting out of NY for a few..yeah. Well we should've followd our "6th Sense" from the start. So I got an infection from old contacts the day before our trip, and I squeezed an appointment right before and they gave me drops but told me to, "not wear my contacts the whole time I'm gone". Sign 1.

Not only did David have this weird feeling (he hates to fly, but it wasn't that - it was worse) about the trip, even the dog was acting up. It's true, as we were packed and walking out the door, Nikita came out with us like she was going with us, or didn't want us to go. She never does that. Last time she did that, it was when we moved from Dallas to New York a year ago. New environments I suppose. Well we're waiting for the elevator and we can hear her whine and cry the whole time. Sign 2.

Then after a couple mini panic attacks about if this is what we're supposed to be doing, we finally suck it up and go to the airport. Not going to lie, even David had me start thinking about the plane. I'm not saying we've watched too much Final Desintation or LOST, it's just a weird feeling everytime we fly someone new. We get there and what, our flight was delayed by 2 hours. Sign 3

Okay? So we ended up sitting at our gate for 3 ½ hours, meanwhile the people who run the counters and everything around our gate, bounced because they KNEW they were going to get shit from everyone. No one was telling us anything and it got to the point that even no one was telling us it was still being delayed. Departure time now: 9:20p, meanwhile it's 10:35. We noticed the screens above the gate doors with the weather and we noticed that DFW area had tornado watches/warnings to 3a. We don't fly if there's any sign of bad weather. Sign 4.

We board around 11:45 and they tell apologize for the delay, tell us to kick off our shoes, and even take down everyone's cocktail drink order and guess what they tell us..we have to be grounded for another 2+ hours. BUT because it was cross passed 12:01a, they have to cancel our flight. Bitch. After directing us the wrong ticket booth to re-book our flight, they wouln't pay for a hotel considering they booked us for 8:00/9:00a flight the next day. They wouldn't allow us to spend the night, and they expected us to spend $70 more dollars to go home, then wake up extra early to spend it all over again by 8a. Hell no. We refunded that money quick and we'll plan the same trip like 3 weeks later.

All good things comes out of this though. There was this woman who only spoke spanish, and I kid you not she didn't know a word of english who found David and I and she was telling us that we can't separate, she needs us, our help and translation and that she's all alone in the airport just trying to get back home to Dallas. She was borrowing our phones right and left and apparently her son wasn't driving an hour to pick her up from her delayed flight. (I'm guessing he lived in Upstate NY) Phew. What a night. This is a lesson or a test for us. Never continue to persue something when you get that feeling, and always just listen to that voice or in this case, the bark that was just saying, "NO!!!!" from the start. haha.

I'm sorry Dallas.
:(

Have You Ever Thought?

This is so crazy.

So today, I was working a 8:15a - 12:15p shift doing what I normally do; working hard, not really just having fun doing it. Feeling very confident in what I do, and feeling good that a lot of the regulars actually know my name and can hold a conversation with me. It feels nice. Which brings me to this: My boss came up to me as I was filling up the RDE case and she asked me, "Have you ever thought about becoming a shift?" HOLD UP? I've been there for 6 months and they're already asking me to promote to shift? By all means, that's fantastic but I feel like, am I ready for this? FUCK YEAH! I feel like I'm in a certain part in my life where I'm ready to be "upgradeddd". It surprises me that they asked me because that means they're watching my performance. I'm doing someting right, but it also freaks me out a bit because that means I have to step up my game. Wow that's crazy. I'm so thankful.

Anyways. We're back to having wonderful sex. Only this time, it's me doing the fucking. It's amazing I'm not gonna lie. Who knew that just because I'm the smaller one, doens't mean that I have to take it up the ass all the time. It's so hot to see David, who's primarily a top being the one who rides and bends over and all that. It's hot not even gonna lie. Like he said, maybe it's just a "top phase" .. call what you want, I just feel this urge to fuck and I feel so masculine doing it. I love it. More please?!

Mmm. It's almost 11:00p and I forget how much I enjoy David's presence. We're lying in bed watching a movie, orderd in and just relaxing...but like I said, I forget how much I actually just love being aroud him. I know it's a given and sometimes very obvious, but still. I guess I take our time together for granted at times. Meh. He's so cute.

GRR.
I feel fat know from the pizza.
And my hair is starting to curl....OH HELL NO.
Relaxer pleaseeeee?

Would You Be Mad.

You be mad if I read about Michael and Sam and Daniel <3 Gomez?
I don't know how it started..by accident really.
I clicked your comment, then next thing I know, It's 2004-2007.

I randomly clicked.
I randomly read.

One thing I noticed.
I wasn't the first man to "break your heart" like you claimed.

I'm not holding it against you.
I'm avoiding confrontation.

I'm in love with you.
I want to take it to the next level.
No grudges.

Don't be mad mad.

Mc.

Something I Noticed.

005: my freedom being compromised in any way. kisses from M.C.

Something I'd Like To Remember.

I get hot.
I get red in the face. Have you ever had that feeling?
When you get so anxious, so overcome with anxiety, anger, jealousy or even joy where you feel your blood pressure literally rising. You feel your cheeks tingle with heat and your ears start to ring. Your heart seems to pump so loudly and with such force that with every beat your body trembles.

I get this feeling a lot.
It can happen when I think Matt and our relationship, it can happen when I'm reading a really good book, it can happen when I'm really embarassed or when I'm reprimanded unfairly. It happens whenever I fly and the plane takes off, or during turbulence. It happens whenever I feel someone staring at me or I think someone is looking at me and thinking, "What a loser." It happens when I speak up and refuse to back down.
It can even happen to me when I'm simply sitting in quiet.

I know. Why do you care what anyone thinks?
Let's just be honest. We all care what everyone thinks of us, no matter how much it pains us to admit it.
It's almost tortorous to for me to admit.
I lie.
It is torture. Mostly because I pride myself on being, or pretending to be, tough...flighty...as if nothing you, or you, or you could ever hurt me. and if it does you would never know it.
Let's just come clean here and say that I care a little too much what some people think of me.

People who crave attention don't always get it. People who crave it and nurture that craving?
They get it.

I don't have the energy to nurture that craving, and is that why I am where I am?
Am I simply in a desperate quest for unfaltering and almost idolistic attention?

Yea.
We're all there.

Maybe this is why I never faired well in relationships and to be honest some friendships. I always tell myself, "I have such an eclectic group of friends. How awesome."
But the truth is I am friends with amazing people that are like me in a lot of ways but more importantly NOTHING like me.
I am comforted by being an outsider.
I am comforted by being different.
and if I am just "some guy", or "normal" to you... well let's just say it isn't pretty.

I share a birthday with James Dean. A friend of mine once read me a quote a friend had said about him that rang so true in my ear.. and while I can't remember the quote verbatim it was something to effect of him saying James was the kind of person who wanted to be known by everyone. He wanted to be famous, yet he wanted to be invisible.

...hm.

Thanks friend.

I'm floating around right now. Waiting, and looking for that something that will make me feel what I'm needing to feel. and when I find it, everyone will know it.
I'll make sure of it.

So what are your vices?
Think about it.
What are you not ready to admit about yourself?

go ahead, you'll probably like yourself a lot more. and I'll probably like you a little more too.

...
KIDDING.
geez.

: ]

"If you think you love isn't found on the radio"

It's day two that David is gone. :(
I finally cleaned the apartment. David had to leave for Nashville in a rush, so it was kinda messy. Not now. It looks mighty good. Smells good too. lol

So.
Since David dyed my hair old man grey/silver, I've had so many people (regulars and new comers) compliment it! It makes me smile because I kid you not, all the people who said they liked it, is older than 35. It's amazing. Even all my co-workers love it. They said it looks natural and fits me well. Thank you Davie!!

I've been working a lot recently so it's good to have tomorrow off. I get to sleep in and watch my shows at night and then I can say, "yay! baby's coming home tomorrow!" lol UGH I just miss him so much. I'm sleeping on his side because I feel his energy still there and I have my laptop open with iPhoto with this photo of him so I have this "illusion" of him lying in bed with me. I know it's cheesy, but it works. It's good medicine.

Then in just under 2 weeks, both of us are going back home to Dallas for my braces appointment to catch up with old friends. That should be fun. I can't wait.

Well Baby, it's almost June 5th.
You know what that is.

Buying A Nectarine.

May 16, 2007
10:56a

It’s been a while. And once again, our Internet is down so I figured it’s a good enough excuse to write. I’ve been procrastinating to write my thoughts down and I have the day off so why not right?

I can’t believe it’s already May. It seems like the other day it was March or something. Still working at starbucks (going on 5 months!), making more and more new friends, and planning my two-year with David!

11:47p

So here I am, sitting here watching Will & Grace waiting for David to come home from work, (he did Kasey’s hair for money) so he had to stay late. I was really looking forward to us having dinner. We only have one more night together until he goes to Nashville. He leaves Friday morning and doesn’t come home until Monday night. ☹ Soo I had dinner all planned out: breaded chicken, rice and bread. He said his original plans were to say “no” and to come home and eat with me. Well, I have to open tomorrow so I have to wake up at 3:45a to catch the 4:44a train. So I ordered Chinese, watched ANTM and LOST and now here I am, lying in bed waiting for him.

Good news though. After a series of dying, and re-dying, my hair is silver. It’s actually pretty amazing. I wanted something different and fun for summer this year. So I’m like this metallic silver. It’s awesome. I have a few scars and blisters on the side of my head, but it’s all good. Pain is beauty…or is it beauty is pain?? Who knows. Check it out regardless.



So David just got home and I’m ready to drink my mystic water and crash.

I’m so dead.

Here’s to me.

SO.

So it's 9:21p and I'm waiting for David to get off work. He called to let me know he'll be home after he blows out Jessica's hair. Ehhh...I went grocery shopping today and it feels nice to have food. lol Eh, I'm bored of writing already - more later.

WOW.

Wow. Where did all time go? Seems like it was just the other day that I wrote in this thing. The last entry was May 20, 2006! That was almost a year ago! CRAZY! So much has happened. David and I broke up for 3 months, go back together in March and let me tell you..things are so much better now that we're back. We've both changed. I love every second of it. I got accepted into FIT and I'm so excited. I start August 27th. UGH! I just love David so much!

-M

I Wish.

I could just let him love me.
either that, or just allow myself to start over.




fresh.

It's 4:35P.

So my flight to Dallas is delayed now by a couple hours. I was supposed to leave at 4:50, but then it was delayed to 5:35. Well, now since the weather is really bad, all the previous flights to DFW have been cancelled. They said there could be a chance ours would be too. We're now departing around 6:30ish.

::sigh::

I'm still working on my cosi strawberry parfait and missing David like crazy! lol He called me when he got out of school, which is nice because I wanted to hear his voice before I left the apt. He's cute. I paid $10 bucks to get internet so I could write in this thing and check my shit. LOL Side note: I'm kinda scared about flying in bad weather. It scares me, but I'll be fine. I started working on my book that David and I both got together. "ALL ABOUT US" It's fun, and cute. I'm glad we're working on this relationship. Getting back together is a good thing for me. I needed it. I want to share my going to school and new job shit with someone I love.

Well...there's a lot of people building up so I hate over the shoulder reading...I'll write more later.

I love you David!

Oh.

and side note:

the state I'm in currently when it comes to us, was not easy to get to.
still is in the works, but yes it's nice.

i know why you ended it.

Realization.

So I got into FIT.
What an amazing journey it was too. I started from scratch and now I have 2 years ahead of me. I couldn't have done it without my friends. I've been spending more and more time in that area and meeting people at the school. ONE THING: Everyone there is so friendly and outgoing that it was easy to meet people. I love it. I met a couple guys who introduced me to their friends and all I can say right now, is that I love the feeling of knowing more people.

I think I was scared of the whole breakup because I was dependent on David to fill me completely. Now that I've realized that I don't need him, I love it. I went to Hell's Kitchen last weekend, met people..drank, danced, and did the whole thing and I still love David, but the more he and I spend time together, I'm seeing that we're actually drifting farther and farther apart. SO I've come to realize that I am on my own. In NEW YORK FUCKING CITY.

I LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT TOO.

So I was up in Queens last night. Again this weekend.
I'm a trooper, my sense of direction is getting better and better. Either that, or it's just getting easier and easier to get around.

Now I'm in the bath, feeling a little sex and city like and typing in the laptop watching some old school spice girl concert/behind-the-scene stuff.

2007! I said this year would be all about me, and so far...it's proven to be that and beyond. It's only March 18...it gets better from here. THANK YOU!

...and to you too..

Not A Fan.

Of you write I write blah blah blah.









But because you don't talk to me, I wanted to say "you're right".









FUCK.

1:35A.

I have this tug pulling at my heart that it's officially over.
I know it's probably been over since the 22nd, but not so much.

NOW I feel it's the time.
I'm ready to move on.

I don't know if it's fear or a sign of relief.
Either way, life has to go on.

Thank you.
Thank you for almost 2 years to jump start my life.

Sleep tight.
x

I Shouldn't.

Tell you this either, but I was thinking about you all day too.

Looks.

like we both lost it.




again.




not with each other.





and probably not for a while either.




we both like who we've got.




correct me if i'm wrong.

4:25A.

Why do I care where he goes?

It's because I secretly still love him and wish to still be together.

I can wish all I want.

At least we have a "play date" today.

I still love him.

a lot.

Wow.

5:15a shift at starbucks.

Holla.

x

Freedom Ring!

The mohawk is back.

I feel more like myself again.

I have wonderful new friends.

They know how to take care of me. :)

Music to booty-bounce to is a HUGE +.

I'm starting to feel feelings for him again.

Should I?

IDK.

x

Now go eat a pb&b!

One.

Week from today, I will be at a portfolio review at FIT for 4 hours.

Now is the time.

It's either now or never.

God, I need this to work out.

I need to get out of 148th.

x

Ugh.

Even though I may not be ready, now is the time to "experience" with other people.
Like he said, "no matter who I meet - and no matter who you meet, no one can repleace what we had".

That was the green light to "OK" seeing new people.
I guess now we both don't have to feel guilty kissing the other him.

Almost one month now.
And it feels like it's been an eternity.

I lost the weight.
I got the job.
I got the school ready.

The real new year's resolution is to actually let go physically and emotionally.
That's the real resolution.

The mental breakdown.
STOP TOUCHING HIM!

Get This Off My Chest.

What a twisted and confusing situation I'm in right now.
The confessions of sadness everytime you see me..
The texts to start my day and the notes on the mirror..

I can see right through all that.
Are you trying to have your cake and eat it too?

Today, I checked my myspace, e-mail, etc...
And let's just say I was right about him.
And I was right about you...

So I'm going to get this off my chest.
Go for him, go on dates, do it...it will feel better.
You have your new boys, and I have mine.

You're obviously doing just fine right now.
I'm sorry that I'm so horny..but trust me, I'll find a different outlet for that.
That may be causing you stress as well so it will stop.

I'm just so tired.
Tired of everything and I don't want to feel these feelings for you anymore.

Last night, watching lost, Penny's speech to desmond is exactly how I felt for the past 3 weeks and I could sort of relate to her. Her situation. I knew that you were watching it too, so it made me feel better knowing that we were watching the same thing.

So almost a full month, and I think I'm ready to move on.
Start new things, see new people, and above all - start my new life.

Like I said, this year is about me.
My job, my new handful of friends, school and YOU...who makes my day oh so much better.

Thank you.

This is Matthew Ryan Chavez: Signing off.

Well.

..::..
I'm back with a vengeance and
I've conquered all things that I thought I would never get over.

the truth is...

1 day will turn to 1 month and then 6 months and then we'll see..
Thanks to 4 days overseas..good times with good friends.

Hi. You've reached hell and
You're I'm going to keep on going.

That's all I can do right now, really.

It's good to see you though and
To hear your voice and see you smile.

The snow topped if off last night.
Well, that annnd...

..::..

"Every time he calls I call, but it's time I think about me"
That's righhhht!

Suddenly.

I feel exhilarated and liberated.

......

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1774080319

RAW.

Phew.
This is the WORSE week ever!

Let me just catch you up with everything that has happened since Sunday, January 14th. He lied to me. I knew something was up from the start, because he got so defensive right away as soon as I questioned him where he was going after work. I knew he mentioned a few days earlier, that a couple of his co-workers were throwing a going away party for this stylist who was leaving for the UK and they were all going to get drinks or something. Well he called and said that he's not coming home right away, that he's going to the coffee shop on the corner by work with this co-worker girl ____. Well, after a while, he just got so defensive and said he's only getting one cup, because he has $5 and then he'll come home. So after 20 minutes of him arguing with me on the phone about how he needs space, he feels married to me, and that he hates feeling so guilty for going out, because he knows I'm sitting at home waiting for him...he didn't return my calls/texts for the whole night. I was so worried for him because I thought he fell asleep on the train and missed our stop. Turns out, he didn't even notice that his phone was ringing.

SO after 5 hours of not talking to me, he calls to tell me that he's sorry for everthing and no matter what happens to us in the future he wanted me to know that everything I've done for him, he's so thankful for. That I'm and inspiration to him and that I influence him with anything and/or everything in his life. He said he likes to take walks, and he went on one and he was at 23rd st. His work is on 57th. So he in fact didn't go to the coffee shop on the corner by work. He comes home, and we argue ALL night. Literally. I wanted to know the truth. How could he yell at me and talk down to me so much for over 20 mintues about how I chain him down and how much I make him feel so "weird" inside and then call me 5 hours later, after I'm all worried out, and tell me all these "wonderful things"? So we get organized and all of a sudden, I just had this urge to want to be passionate with him. So I try to make out with him, and I eventually go down on him, but as I work my way back to kiss him, that's when I noticed that he reeked of booze. So that led me to ask questions, and he got defensive right away. So I got him to admit that he had drinks and not coffee. He said he had 2. Only two. And boy did he hate telling me the truth. I could see it in his eyes. All this sickens him. So he went to bed and so did I.

The next morning, I checked his phone and I was right. I had that gut feeling, or the infamous "6th sense" feeling that you know is up, when something is wrong. Sure enough, I found this (516) number and coincidently the sent box was fully erased (which he said was an option on his phone, we have the same phone and yes, it deletes after 30 days) but the inbox was still filled with consecutive texts from (516). I found out through ONE text left in his sent, saying "sweet dreams mike, I had fun" blah blah and I knew it was Mike from his myspace (*Mikey Loves It*). All the texts sent from him were, "I don't want to be the typical guy, but I'm just going to go out on a limb, I had really fun drinking with you tonight". Through all the texts, they met up at 8..went to maybe more than one bar and then got trashed 5 1/2 hours later. Funny because David only had $5. So I woke him and confronted him. He got a little sad a first, but I was quickly distracted from it because my job called to set up an interview. After like 10 minutes of awkwardness, I asked him to explain himself and HE GOT SO ANGRY! So either he's mad that he got caught, or he's mad that I was asking him to explain himself. Clearly there's some issues that need to be addressed and he's not being honest with me.

(back story, when I first noticed that Mike was a friend on myspace, he said it was a random add. When we were arguing that he was the one who he went out on a date, he finally told me that he was an ex-myspace friend and they've met in person already. Just friends though. Bull shit.)

So yeah...After me crying my eyes out beause I feel like he's already cheated on me, we agreed that he would have to leave and go stay with our friend Jimmy to see if this is what he really wants. He said he'd take a day or two away from me to see and to think before he reacts to my finding out he lied, and to see if maybe we're just not compatable. He called me middle of the week to tell me that he's going to stay for a week. So this coming up Monday, the 22nd he should be back home. This is so hard for me. SO hard. I already thought about everything and what our future might hold...and quite frankly I feel like it might work. But it might NOT either and I think I focus on that too much. Could I forgive David? Should I? I know that he's so afraid that I would cheat on him and that I would let him down..but think about it..I just annoy him so much, that it drove him to lie to me and let me down. Sure him and Mike didn't fuck, but they could've kissed. Just like tonight, we talked on the phone and I asked him where we stood in our relationship, and that we're on this break..could we see other people and cope with this in our own way. He said, "Do whatever you feel you need to do" so when I asked him what he was doing..he said, "I'm not going to tell you what I'm doing". He's making out. I'm not that stupid. He's doing stuff as a "single person" should and he's trying to figure out if I'm really the right one and if we're compatable and if he can live without me. I feel he's doing a great job forgetting about me. OH wait, he's staying with a friend that he could always talk to through all of this, hug, cry on a shoulder, vent...and our roommate Dre, is spending equal time over there. I have NO ONE. Just the dog. It's unfair but you know what? It's making me stronger. The fact that I have to do all this alone. Sure David's my first, but I know what I feel for him and I'm still going to stick to my guns...I'm putting my foot down and just holding out until Monday. It's so hard though, because tonight I begged him to just come home this one night because I'm sick with the fever and I'm having my first HUGE anxiety attack. NOPE. He said he can't, and that he has to do this. Stay with Jimmy for a week and he'll see me maybe tomorrow...if not...definitely Monday. Fuck that.

UGH! There has been so many times, that I wanted to call up this person or message this person to do something to take my mind off David, but I feel like if I ever did that, I'd have so much regret because I still have these feelings for David. I would do it if I was second guessing our relationship and I had to do it to see if David was the one, but I just can't do it. I don't have the guts. And I hate that I'm doing this though. Sitting here crying, confused about David and confused about our future. It's killing me not knowing what the future holds. It's killing me knowing that there's a possibility that he's making out with other guys and getting numbers and partying. Could he be staying a week as an excuse to party with no questions asked from me? Probably. Could he be doing this because he genuinally feels like the space is required because if not, he'll break up and then have to deal with the fact that he still loves me and wanted to make it work? Maybe. Could I just be over-analyzing this? YES. I need to make new friends. ASAP.

This new job at Starbucks is killing me! Mainly because I had my 2nd interview and I met more important people (Hiring managers, and store managers) and I had the one on one questionaires...they told me that everything looks good, and they'd call first thing Monday morning. I want to get hired so bad so I can be on my way to making new friends that I could hang out with so if David wants to spend another week apart, I'd have someone/somewhere to go. I'm so angry that it's come down to this. This is all so crazy. Sure, it's all legitimet things that couples argue about and myspace and cell phones have probably broken up so many relationships, but I just want to be completely honest in this relationship. I want him to know that too. SO:

David.
If you were here, I'd tell you look..
If you still love me, and I still love you, there are PLENTY of things that we could both change to help reconstruct this relationship. We need to talk to each other more. We need to be honest. We need to compomise.
We can't go backwards in this relationship, and since we live together, we have to almost work twice as hard to make sure we understand each other. We can make this work.
I think if there's anything we haven't told each other, if there's things still lingering over us..let's put it the table. Let's tell each other what each others' pet peeves are..let's see if maybe we can fix them!
HELL...let's make a list: Write MATT and DAVID and just write the things that need to be improved. And as time goes, let's see if they change. If 3 months, or 6 months from now, we are still fighting about those issues, let's get out the lists, and see if we changed on some. We'll sign the lists and make sure we help each other. So see...it all goes back to compromising. It's not that hard.

I know that you hate drama. I know when I cry, you used to feel bad, but now it just gets annoying. I know this. I can tell. And you don't really have to tell me anymore. I'm terribly sorry that it's taken me 4+ months for me to change (so you say) but you just have to trust me that everything will be fine. Things will change and once I start this job, and start school - you'll see. Is it too late for you to see that? Maybe. Do I want you to just try? Most definitely. We make each other so happy so it's just now we're being silly. At least I know I am. I'm the one that feels I need to call/text you at least once or twice to see how you are BUT I feel like maybe you could be handling all this differently as well. You know...you know....YOU KNOW....I'm at home crying and not handling this well, but you don't call me...you don't text me, "how are you feeling today..feeling better?" NOTHING. So I'm just saying you have it all. That's what I meant about the whole you all (Jim, Dre and you) are in the know, because you've been with them 24/7 since you left on Tuesday. I'm still here alone..just calling the usual friends or at least the ones that would pick up. I'm alone. I'm scared. and I know I have to go through this...I just didn't think I'd do it alone. So that's what I mean by maybe you could be handling this better. All the signs are just showing that you need to thing about yourself, and that's fine..kumbya..but if you love me..TRULY love me, you'd think about me and my feelings too. RIGHT? I've been taking care of myself and asking myself what do I want? What do I need? And trust me, I'm doing a good job doing what I have/need to do make sure I'm doing fine with this whole situation. I'm just led to believe by the words of others..ahem..that you're happy alone..away from me and yes, you miss me and you love me...but you're so ready to live on without me.

If so..I'm going to dread that day..hopefully not Monday when we talk about the future and if you think we can or cannot stay together. I just wish you knew how much I really love you. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. Everywhere I go in NY, things pop up that remind me of you and maybe that's just it. You said once in a journal post that you're past is slowing lingering over you like nicotine to a smokers lips. Maybe you now living in NY again...you wanted a bf at the time in 05, but you're reuniting with old flings, friends, one night stands, etc and you just want to be free again. You're happy with your job and school but maybe it's just time for you just do your own thing. I just hate the fact that you'd pull me this far and now show it. If you knew in the back of your mind that this would happen...you should've listened to that "second-guessing" thought before we lived together, let alone move to NY together.

I'm scard as fuck..hell..and anything in between.

I don't know what our future holds and yes, I don't like it and this week has been the most uncomfortable thing ever, but I'm going to be fine. Thanks for pushing me away to realize that I don't need anyone to make me happy. I make myself happy. I could live on without you. I could have these exact same feelings with someone else..I know that. I also know the calling in my heart. Whether it's God or something higher, I just know. And what hurts me the most is that you don't feel the same way. And I know, I've said this before, I can't change how you or anyone thinks about all this..but I just hope that maybe you think about us as much as you can while you're away from me. Think about do I really make you unhappy, happy..Are you thankful and feel blessed? Do you have it good and just don't know it? Do I treat you goo and do I really respect you as a person? Am I really a bad person? Think about all those things about me and see if you're right. I don't feel like I've influenced you more than you to me, I feel like we're equally responsible for the changes that are occuring right now...and I just want you to know...I love you beyond love. I looked and searched and questioned, and second-guessed...you name it, I've done it. It kills me that I'm ready to talk and you're not. It kills me that I'm sitting hoping that when you say, "I think I might come Saturday night or Sunday" that you're really going to do it.

I love you David.
I love you so much. and I just want you to know that I respect you highly. I'm not putting you on a pedistool anymore. I think you're great and I'd do anything to make you happy...but if you really want a week, or more, if that makes you happy - I'm happy. I'm sorry that it's so hard for me to accept that, and yes I don't agree with it 100%, but just give me time. Give yourself time, and it'll be fine in the end. I'm just so tired of lying to you, being passive aggressive to you...vice versa...I'm tired David.

I want to put everything and all on the table.
I want to strip it down to the raw and just cry, yell, laugh, blush, and anything one could feel when evaluating issues like the ones we're dealing with.

I look forward to seeing you either tomorrow, if not, you said you're coming home Monday. Hopefully you come home early Monday because I want to watch Heroes with you hellllllo!!!! lol It starts back up remember!?! So yeah, Have fun at work tomorrow and don't work too hard. And like I said, I'm happy and proud of you that you found something that you actually enjoy doing and it makes me happy to see you happy...and I respect you all the way now. I guess I just had to cry and let all these other thoughts and feelings out. Sucks that I couldn't talk to anyone unlike you who has a billion friends to help take your mind off all this...I have nikita... so yeah...I'll be fine. So. Sleep well and take your time.

lasdkjgalksdgjaldsgf;

Okay so now that's off my mind. I feel a lot better. I'm undecided if I want to put this in my lj or post in a blog or send it do David..I don't know. Maybe I'll post it later. I'm not sure. Phew...

I miss you Mommy.
Thanks for helping through this when no one was here to help.

-Matthew Ryan Pence

Hurts.

So I can't sleep.

It's 25 mintues to midnight, and it's day two. I know I'm strong, but it's just one of those feelings that I can't seem to let go. I can literally feel my heart racing and imagine doing fast push ups and counting at the same time...that's how fast my heart is racing.

I miss him.

I've thought about a lot and I'm so determined to make this work. I have so much on my mind. and it kills me not knowing when he's coming back home.

I love him.

and I just want him here.

Only.

Only you can let it in.

"You can change your life
By altering you thoughts"

Tie.

All of these things tie together.

I make changes for you.
So is it that hard to make some changes for me?

If you truly are not hiding anything via myspace or cell phone, why do you get so mad when I question, “Who is it?” Is it really that hard to just tell me, “Oh this is Tom, an ex-friend” and do it in the open. You are entitled to your own privacy, but I don’t question all the times I would like to, so it’s really not that bad to just tell me the truth.

Our relationship runs off honesty. Why lie about something to produce another problem and make things worse. If you think I’m too paranoid, and nosey, you should really sit me down, and tell me, “Look, I’m going out to drink with XXX and I’m not doing anything to hurt you so just calm down”. Lying only makes things worse.

We’ve both lied, so if we agree we were both in the wrong and change it, but if it happens again, the first “I’m sorry” cancelled out, right? And then that means we’re really not compatible.

Part of a relationship is compromising.

It’s almost impossible to go backwards in a relationship.

You’ll lose some freedom being in a committed relationship, but I can work on giving you the freedom you need without throwing it all away.

Same with text messages, why do you feel it’s okay to pass out your number and get another number of a person, without having other intentions? Especially when you lie about them. If they are just friends, they’re just a friend. When you lie, that’s burning a bridge that I cannot cross again.

In 3 days, if you don’t miss me, chances are you never really meant for us to be in a relationship to start with.

Maybe you don’t know what you’ve gotten from me and yes, you’re willing to throw it all away right now, but take the time to really think of the benefits I have given you.

I’m not telling you to delete your myspace, or not talk to this person, but if you truly wanted to make me happy, you’d honor those requests. I’m just asking you, not demanding you do so.

I’m throwing everything in your face, but we just have issues to talk about.

Truth.

Wouldn't it be so nice, if maybe this one time, you'd come home in the wee hours of the morning because you couldn't stand being alone and you'd drop your bags in the foyer and run up and pick me up and we'd hug and there would be that "feeling" that was just a given...that everything from this point on, would be okay?







I get that rush too.

I Miss You.

Already.

Memories.

David and I ran into Michelle Trachtenberg at The Silk Trading Company off 5th Ave. and 16th. David moved from New York to live with me in Dallas for a while. Turned into 8 months. Adopted 4 fish, which went to 10 in like a day. I never do that.

David turned 21, and I celebrated my first Valentine’s Day with someone I loved. Had photo shoot in a house worth $500,000. Realized that people (Christian or not) are not who they seem to be. Braces Pt. 1: RPE. I reunited with my stepsister, whom I haven’t spoken to in 3 years.

My first road trip. We went to Nashville, TN to visit David’s mom and sister. Wonderful people btw. Took home David’s childhood dog, Nikita, back home with us to Dallas. R.I.P. fish. All 10. David was threatened to being sued? Come on now. Founded “Spa Night” which later turned out to be he HUGE.

My second road trip. Went to Houston to visit our friend from NY who is originally from Houston. Both started to work at retail; later found out it’s the #1 job from hell. Our First “Ray of Sunshine”. Braces Pt. 2: I got braces, which has been my ultimate “promise” for 5 years or so.

Visited my childhood home in honor of my mom’s 48th birthday.

One-year anniversary with David. Second “Ray of Sunshine”. Not so Ray and not so sunshine. Mini vacation back to New York for 10 days.

Experienced my first “sick drunk”. Never Again. “This is the worse service ever!” “Water for everyone! Drinks on me!” Shook Daniel Vosovic’s hand on Columbus and 83rd; same day Nigel Barker sat behind us at The Diner. Officially sold my car and everything I own for the “Big Move”. Dre came to visit us in Dallas and party it up.

My 3rd road trip. But this time, for good. We drove a U-Haul from Dallas to Nashville, and then to NY. Bought my first apartment in NY - “I was on 145th and Broadway”.

WOW. Nothing.

David filmed a short movie in Jersey. Halloween in the West Village in a full out costume with a fake mustache and everything.

Took revenge on Express. Three times. November 5th is the magic date. I turned 20.

Warmest holiday season yet. Searched for a real tree, found one. 2nd Christmas in New York, marking “The 2nd annual Christmas of TNT”. I love it.

National Break-Up Day.

1. Picking fights.
No one is saying you have to get along 24/7. After all, constructive conflict can actually be good for your relationship. But if you find that your partner has become argumentative over petty issues like your clothes or choice of restaurant, that should serve as a warning sign that he/she may be looking for an excuse to bail.

2. Forgetting to call.
Used to be that your phone would ring all day long with your sweetie wanting to make plans or calling just to say, "I love you." And while long, drawn-out conversations may have made you swoon before, now your significant other doesn't even call when he/she is running three hours late. It may seem obvious, but going from speed dial to a blocked number is a sure sign that your relationship may be nearing its expiration date.

3. Changing their stripes.
While we all like to tinker with our looks every now and then, a major change in appearance can be a sign that your partner is looking toward greener pastures. Whether they've chopped off all their hair, lost 40 pounds or gone from a bold brunette to a sultry blonde, major cosmetic changes should be noted. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a little vain, but if the change is accompanied by any of the other signs listed here, you may need to get ready to go solo.

4. Criticizing.
Let's face it, no one is perfect. Sometimes we wish our partner could be taller, funnier, more considerate – the list goes on. But when we're in love, we take the good with the bad. The imperfections can even be endearing, provided there's a lot of love to go around. Of course, if your sweetie isn't feeling you anymore, don't be surprised if he/she becomes less tolerant of everything, from how you brush your teeth to how you tie your shoes. So while a few complaints here and there may be par for the course, constant criticism is a telltale sign that your days as a twosome are numbered.

5. Losing sexual interest.
A healthy sex life can make or break a relationship. If you find that your partner is becoming more sexually aloof, you need to get to the root of the issue. While it's natural to have less sex as you settle into a comfortable groove together, waiting weeks or months to have sexual contact is a sign that something is amiss.

A major change in appearance can be a sign that your partner is looking toward greener pastures.

I Don't Know How To Say This.

So I'll just say it like it is.

You make me sick.
In fact, I'm probably sick right now.

I can't even believe you'd do this to me.
Why do you have to open your mouth from the start?

I think you're two-faced.
And you don't know how to hide it very well.

You're right.
You're always right.

And that is what sickens me.